Feeling Comfortable In My Own Body

I cannot remember a time in which I loved my body or felt comfortable in my own skin. I have always been overweight, and I have never had the body that other people had. I always felt bigger than others, and in most situations, I was. People look back on their lives and joke about how they thought they were fat or ugly, but the reality was that they were normal sized and cute. That is not the case with me. I actually was fat... not only was I fat, but I was morbidly obese.

In school, I was always bigger than my friends, but at some point, I also became larger than my teachers as well. I think that was somewhere in middle school. I couldn't help it, and I continued to keep eating and growing. At my heaviest, or any weight I was, I was okay with how I looked. I may not have liked it, but I was used to to my body and what it looked like. As I began to start losing weight, I noticed how broken my eyes truly were. I believe that I have body dismorphia, because I have an inability to see my body in the way it truly is.

Body dysmorphic disorder is a "chronic mental illness wherein the afflicted individual is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance."

Feeling comfortable in my own body is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I feel like a fraud most of the time, because I have so much excess skin hanging off my body. I saw a few times on Pinterest a picture that says, "Skinny people look good in clothes. Fit people look good naked." No matter how many compliments I receive from friends, family members, or others, I still feel fat and obese. I look in the mirror, and I still see myself when I weighed 310 pounds. I might be able to cover my body with clothes, but at the end of the day, it is only my body, me, and the magic mirror on the wall.

Luckily, I will be getting two skin removal surgeries over the next year. I am extremely nervous about them, but I know that it is something that will not only help me physically, but also mentally. The first surgery is happening December 27th, and that surgery is called a panniculectomy. In this surgery, the surgeons cut me below the belly button from hip to hip and remove the excess "skin apron" that is left over after extreme weight loss. It will look something like this.

I'm hoping that with removing the excess skin off my lower abdomen, the feeling of being obese will go away. Everyday, the excess skin is proof of the weight I was and how far I've come. Although it is a battle scar, I am very uncomfortable with it on my body, and it doesn't feel like the real me. After having the stomach skin removed, I will hopefully be having brachioplasty next year as well. I have so much extra skin hanging from my arms that I can pull it and tie it up if I want to. IT IS DISGUSTING. The surgery will remove the excess skin and hopefully allow my arm to be the size it is supposed to be.

I'm lucky enough to currently have Kaiser, who is willing to perform the panniculectomy for me. After January 1st, I will no longer have Kaiser, but a family friend will be doing my brachioplasty for me. I am both nervous and excited to finally be in a body that I feel comfortable with, and be able to look on the outside like the person I truly am on the inside.

Writing For Introspection

So as some of you know, I am in a twelve step program for my food addiction. I know, it might sound crazy that someone can be addicted to food... But let me tell you, it is 100% possible. I crave it. I love it. I love the smell. I love the taste. I love the feeling of eating. I love the physical reaction I get when I eat. I love food so much, that I have created bad habits around food.

I used to do a lot of things that I am ashamed of. I used to eat out of trash cans, and I was able to eat almost anything put in front of me. It was sickening. Luckily, I found FA, and I have been in this amazing program for almost five months.

Five months is a long time to make changes. I use to be on these crazy diets, because I wanted to lose weight quickly. I would tell myself that if I lose two pounds a week or three pounds a week then I would be to a certain goal at a certain time. It was crazy talking, and it would never work. It is nearly impossible to continuously lose 3 pounds a week for 150-200 pounds. It is just not possible.

Now that I am in FA, the weight does not matter as much to me. As of now, it is more about the sanity around food that this program brings to my life. I weigh and measure my life as I do with my food, and this has made my life a lot smoother. Although getting rid of the weight is not the best thing I have received from program, it has helped and continues to be a highlight for me. Here are my numbers.

Rachel S.

Height: 5'2"

Top Weight: 310 lbs

Starting FA Weight: 202.6 lbs

October Weigh In: 161.9 lbs

Total Weight Lost: 148.1 lbs

It took five months of truly beginning to do some soul searching to realize that I want to better myself. I want to be smarter. I want to achieve goals. I want to do things I don't think I can do. Twelve step programs emphasize the importance of writing, so I am going to push myself to update my blog regularly and continue to work on my novel. Hopefully, I will gain insight into my life and gain an understanding of the person that I want to be. Thanks for reading.