Eat Crap = Feel Like Crap

Food Addiction is a disease of isolation. No wonder I haven't posted in three days! I've been feeling like crap. I have been having trouble staying abstinent and eating according to my program. It has been difficult, and sometimes I don't know why I am doing it, it just happens. I know it is wrong. I know it is bad for me, but I just have something inside me that won't let me say no. Each day I try to fight that little voice, and somedays I win, somedays I lose.

I feel good today, and I have hope, but the day is not over yet. I only have one day at a time, and I need to focus on getting through each day with intent. I plan to make a lot of calls later this evening to people who recovering in program. I want to ask questions and find out some good tools and tips when I want to take the bite.. and to stop taking the bite and not continue to binge. I am still recovering from surgery, and I think that going through both recoveries has something to do with the mental recovery required for my eating plan.

It has been two weeks since surgery, and I am doing well. The incision is almost closed completely on the outside, and I will be taking out my second drain sometime this week. I have started to use coconut oil on my scar, because I read that it helps reduce scarring. I don't know if it will actually do anything, but what could it hurt? At least I will have a soft abdomen either way.

I took some more post-op pictures, and here they are. I hope you enjoy.

One Drain Down, One To Go

So I got my left drain taken out today, which is very exciting. The drains are like the bane of my existence, and I hate them with every fiber of my being. Also, my tape began to peel yesterday. I am very impatient, and the moment it started to peel, it had to come off. Having tape half on and half off was not going to work for me. I took off the tape last night, and I cleaned up around the incision a little. Today, I went and saw the surgeon for my second follow up. He said that the nurse could remove my left drain tube and my other one would be able to come out early next week. I decided to take some pictures today, so here is day 12 progress :]

Bandages Coming Off

So the tape on the stitches started to peel today, and I ended up taking the tape off completely. The incision is healing nicely, and I am pleased with the results. I am still having issues with my food, so I am hoping that that will be solved soon. I want recovery in all areas: physical, spiritual, and emotional. One can only hope, right? Tomorrow I start again on day one. I hate starting over, but I think this is it. I am making promises to myself and adding some new tools. For instance, I am going to promise myself to listen to at least two Beit T'Shuvah songs and make at least three phone calls before eating non-abstinent food. This is a promise to myself, so I will hopefully keep them.

Tomorrow I am going to see the surgeon, and I will hopefully be getting my drains out. I hope he takes out both of them, but I have a feeling that he will only take out one. I would like to start working out and taking showers, which I can't really do with the drain tubes in. Tomorrow I will do a lot of walking, if not jogging. I want to see what my body can handle right now. I am also going to meet with a potential wedding vendor, so I should be plenty busy and not eat. I need to use my tools more when I get weak. I need to lean into program and trust that G-d will take away my food cravings. I know it is only one day at a time, and I know that even after 18 years, I could break. All we have is one day. It is not a race. We are all in this together.

Recovery, One Day At A Time

This post is going to be short, but I just wanted to give an update. Post-surgery, my body is doing great, and I am healing wonderfully. I will post some more pictures tomorrow, and hopefully have an update on Tuesday about my drain tubes.

Emotionally, I'm having some trouble with the food, but I am taking it one day at a time. I am almost done with day one, again. I hate starting over, but I have been honest about it, and I think that counts for something. I hope that after the flour and sugar is out of my system, the crazy thoughts will go away again. Time will only tell.

Pizza and Cheesecake

I can't stop thinking about pizza and cheesecake. All I want is a thick crust filled with cheese and more cheese on top. I want to bite into it and just feel the warmth as I eat it. I want to then devour cheesecake, but the problem is, one is too many but never enough. I wouldn't stop at one piece of pizza. I would eat the entire pie and the entire cheesecake by myself. I could, and I would if given the chance. I have before. I've eaten whole cheesecakes before. I've eaten whole pizzas before. It's not normal, and it's not healthy. I wish I were normal. I wish I was able to have normal feelings around food. Why do I crave food so much? Why can I not stop thinking about food? I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could be normal and think about anything else. Well, let's just hope I make it the next three and a half hours without breaking. One day at a time is all I have, and it is all I can count on.

To boost my recovery, I went to Barnes & Noble today and bought 5 12-step books to help me out, but one of them backfired. There is a book I bought for compulsive overeaters, and in it, one of the women says that if you want to binge on something, have it but don't binge on it. This will help with the cravings, and you won't be depriving yourself of anything. That doesn't work for me. If I want to eat that cheesecake or pizza or cracker, it will never be just one. I can't control my eating no matter how hard I try.

I know all of this talk seems sort of crazy and not very recovery-ish, and I am sorry... but this is what goes through my mind sometimes, especially the past few days. I am currently on day four, and I pray to G-d that I will be on day five and be abstinent. I hope that going back to my own apartment and being home will help me be abstinent. I have been around un-abstinent food for two weeks so it has been harder for me than when I am at home. If it is G-d's will, I will be abstinent tonight and tomorrow and any other day that I stay abstinent.

I plan to start journalling today. A friend of mine helped guide me on how to work the 10th step in program. I will be writing four short paragraphs about FRAG, fear, resentment, amends, and gratitude. Hopefully this journalling will help me with my food addiction and with my recovery. I can't wait to get home and start going back to meetings on Sunday. I feel that the meetings really help keep me abstinent and help get me through the day. I still plan on going to at least 5 meetings next week, if not more. I need recovery, and I want to get better.

Post Op Visit

So today, I went back to the surgeon for a post-op visit. I was hoping to have the drainage tubes removed, but the surgeon said that they were still draining too much fluid and I might be able to get one taken out early next week. I have another post-op meeting on Tuesday, and I am hoping to get them both removed then, but I have a feeling it will only be one at a time.

I decided today that I am going back to my apartment on Saturday instead of Monday for convenience reasons. I need to prepare food and get ready for the week, and I also have a bat mitzvah to attend Saturday evening and a meeting to attend to on Sunday. Instead of driving back and forth three or four times, I will only need to drive down there once.

Other than being upset about the drains, I am having a hard time with my abstinence today. All I can think about is pizza, bagels, crackers, and other flour and sugar products. I try to be more open about needing help and a healthy support system, but it is hard for me to reach out when I want to eat. All I want to do is isolate and eat by myself, but lately I am trying to reach out more. It is one of the hardest things for me to do, but I am working on it.

Today is day three of my abstinence, and I am almost starting day four. It is only one day at a time, and I am thankful for every hour that I stay out of the food. know I have ben struggling lately, but I have hope for recovery. I am talking to my sponsor more about my issues and being more honest with my sponsor and my food. I look forward to start going back to meetings on Sunday. Im pretty sure that I am going to 5 meetings next week, and I hope it jumpstarts my program and my abstinence. Let's hope so.

New Year, New Me (Pictures!)

Welcome to 2014! It is a new year, and I am looking forward to the new me. It has been a hard week emotionally and physically, but today I feel great! I feel hopeful that this year will be my best year yet, and I look forward to all of the exciting things that I will encounter this year.

This morning I took some more post-op pictures, and I am officially on day six of recovery. I will be visiting the surgeon on Thursday, and I hope to get my drainage tubes removed at that point. They are kind of annoying and my least favorite part about my recovery. Here are some of my pictures from before and after.

Left Side Before And After Day 6

Right Side Before And After Day 6

Front Side Before And After Day 6

Let me know if you have any questions or comments! I am happy to answer all of them. I hope everyone is having a happy and healthy new year so far, and that the rest of this year is just as good.