Onederland

Well, it's been about two years since I've posted. I've been ashamed. I've gained weight. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. It was humiliating, and I wanted to be alone.

In November of 2013, I was in a program called Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous and I was able to get down to my lowest weight as a grown adult, 148.8. I was on top of the world. Everything was amazing, and I felt great about my body and myself. People were complimenting me, boys were hitting on me, and I finally started to feel like a normal person.

For some reason that I can't explain, I began to have trouble in program. I wasn't able to follow my meal plan, and I began bingeing again. Slowly, but surely, the weight began to come back on with a mission, and I was gaining weight faster than I ever had before. I would say to myself, "I won't let myself get back to 160." Then, before you know it, 160 had come and gone. I wasn't able to keep promises to myself, and I didn't trust myself around food.

In December of 2016, I went on a cruise with my family. We had photos taken, and it was the first time in two years I had really looked at myself. I was fat again. I went through so much work having weight loss surgery, joining program, losing 160 pounds, having skin removal surgery... and for what? I gained it all back.

I decided to rejoin FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous) after coming back from the cruise. When I stepped on the scale on Saturday evening, I weighed in at 272.6 pounds. I had gained back 131.8 pounds that I had lost. I was so upset. I felt like a failure. I walked back into the rooms on December 27th, and I have been what we call abstinent since that date. I don't eat any flour or sugar, and all of my meals are weighed and measured.

Today was weigh in day. I've been back in program a little more than seven months, and.. as of this morning, I have released 76 pounds. I am finally back below 200 pounds, and I weighed in at 196.6. I do not ever intend on regaining those pounds, but the hardest part for me isn't necessarily getting the weight off, its keeping it off. I will begin to start blogging again, and keeping you all updated. The accountability helps, and I feel like I am emotionally at a place where I feel comfortable sharing. If you are reading this, just know, you are not alone. Many struggle with their weight. Some more than others. The tip is to focus on handling it a day at a time, and it makes it much more manageable.

Getting Ready To Make A Baby

Yeah, I said it. I am getting my body ready to make a baby. What does that entail exactly? Well for starters, I need to get my weight in a healthy range so my body is healthy enough to conceive and grow a child. When talking about weight, there are many factors: height, gender, muscle mass, etc. However, doctors' offices use the BMI scale, so I will be using this system as a guideline for weight loss.

I currently weigh 222.7 pounds, which means at 5'1", my BMI is 42.1, WHICH IS MORBIDLY OBESE.

I decided on Monday, September, 21st, when I weighed in at 227 pounds, that I needed to do something about my weight. A normal BMI range is 18.5-24.9, which means a healthy weight for me is between 98 to 132 pounds. Now I would never want to weigh below 100 pounds, but I would be happy at anywhere below 132. At my lowest weight ever, I was 150 pounds... so I know that is possible.

Here are three pictures of my weight loss story. My heaviest at 310, my lowest at 150, and currently around 220-230. The hardest part of gaining weight back is looking at the picture of you at your lowest weight and feeling not good enough, feeling like you failed yourself and your loved ones. It is something I never want to feel again.

I know that physically my body is able to get down to 150 pounds, but I am making smaller goals along the way so I can feel accomplished not only when I reach my final goal. I am setting my goals every ten pounds, and if I average about 2 pounds a week, I should lose about 10 pounds a month. Here are my weight loss goals.

Weight Goals
Under 220 pounds by 10/13/15
Under 210 pounds by 11/12/15
Under 200 pounds by 12/12/15
Under 190 pounds by 1/11/16
Under 180 pounds by 2/10/16
Under 170 pounds by 3/11/16
Under 160 pounds by 4/10/16
Under 150 pounds by 5/10/16
Under 140 pounds by 6/9/16
Under 130 pounds by 7/9/16
Under 120 pounds by 8/8/16

Getting in shape is not only about losing weight. It is also about becoming more fit and able to carry around the extra baby weight without getting exhausted, being able to function normally for most of the pregnancy, and becoming a better runner for myself.

I hate running, I really do. But it is good for me. It is good for weight loss. It is good for overall health. It is good for flexibility and stamina. It is good for my mental stability. It is good for me.

I have also made some fitness goals for myself for daily workouts as well as running goals that focus more on time/distance.

1. Finish the Insanity program. (Complete ALL the workouts in the given 30 days)
2. Complete the Wine and Dine Half Marathon in under 3:15:00
3. Be able to run a mile without stopping by January 1st
4. Complete the Disney World Marathon in under 7:00:00
5. Set new PRs for all of my race times by January 10, 2016
6. Complete the Princess Half Marathon in under 2:45:00
7. Complete the Tinker Bell Half Marathon in under 2:37:18
8. Be able to run a mile without stopping by January 1st

Well, that is it for today. I will check in soon about how I am doing. Just a reminder, here are my overall statistics.

Highest Weight: 310
Lowest Weight: 150
Current Weight: 222.7
Weight Lost Since September 21st: 4.3

Going, Going, Gone!

Well it has been about a year since I have posted on my blog, and I am going to be honest.... it is because I was gaining weight and not being healthy. I was eating a lot. I was eating everything. I wasn't happy. Now don't get me wrong, I was trying, but sometimes trying just doesn't work. I would start out a day eating yogurt and fruit, and end up eating 5 pieces of pizza for dinner. Losing weight and being healthy is hard.

It's. Really. Hard.

I ran the Hollywood Half Marathon this weekend, and originally, I was hoping for a PR (personal record), but after mile 4, I walked the majority of the other 9.1 miles. I was tired, I was hot, and I was not ready. A month ago, I PR'd at 3:07:57, which to some is slow. To me, that is almost an hour faster than my first half marathon on January 2, 2013. I completed the Tinker Bell Half Marathon with RunDisney in 4:01:55.

I have come a long way, but still not far enough.

I used to weigh 310 pounds, and through a number of surgeries, programs, diets, etc, I made it all the way down to 150 pounds. It was great, and I loved it, but I did not maintain it. I have officially gained back 68 of the 160 pounds I had originally lost. It is time to re-lose that 68 pounds. I woke up this morning feeling determined, feeling ready. I have my first full marathon in

47 Days, 20 hours, and 34 minutes

I am scared. Part of me knows I am not ready, and I cannot do it. But the other part is excited. The other part hopes that if I eat right and exercise well for the next 47 days, I can be ready to run my first full marathon and hopefully lose the 18 pounds I would like to lose by the marathon. Here are my goals:

May 31, 2015

Weight: 200 pounds

Distance: 26.2 miles

Time: Less Than 7 Hours

Because it is my first, I do not care about finishing fast. I really want to finish under 7 hours and finish in the upright position. For the next 47 days, I will eat right. I will exercise according to the plan my trainer has given me. I will not give up. I will not stray. I mean, it is only 47 days, right? One day at a time, I can do this. If I will it, it is no dream. Someone told me this morning,

"Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

I will do just that. I will be the best person I can be. It is only up to me. Not others, but myself. Today is the day, and I am ready.

Eat Crap = Feel Like Crap

Food Addiction is a disease of isolation. No wonder I haven't posted in three days! I've been feeling like crap. I have been having trouble staying abstinent and eating according to my program. It has been difficult, and sometimes I don't know why I am doing it, it just happens. I know it is wrong. I know it is bad for me, but I just have something inside me that won't let me say no. Each day I try to fight that little voice, and somedays I win, somedays I lose.

I feel good today, and I have hope, but the day is not over yet. I only have one day at a time, and I need to focus on getting through each day with intent. I plan to make a lot of calls later this evening to people who recovering in program. I want to ask questions and find out some good tools and tips when I want to take the bite.. and to stop taking the bite and not continue to binge. I am still recovering from surgery, and I think that going through both recoveries has something to do with the mental recovery required for my eating plan.

It has been two weeks since surgery, and I am doing well. The incision is almost closed completely on the outside, and I will be taking out my second drain sometime this week. I have started to use coconut oil on my scar, because I read that it helps reduce scarring. I don't know if it will actually do anything, but what could it hurt? At least I will have a soft abdomen either way.

I took some more post-op pictures, and here they are. I hope you enjoy.

One Drain Down, One To Go

So I got my left drain taken out today, which is very exciting. The drains are like the bane of my existence, and I hate them with every fiber of my being. Also, my tape began to peel yesterday. I am very impatient, and the moment it started to peel, it had to come off. Having tape half on and half off was not going to work for me. I took off the tape last night, and I cleaned up around the incision a little. Today, I went and saw the surgeon for my second follow up. He said that the nurse could remove my left drain tube and my other one would be able to come out early next week. I decided to take some pictures today, so here is day 12 progress :]

Bandages Coming Off

So the tape on the stitches started to peel today, and I ended up taking the tape off completely. The incision is healing nicely, and I am pleased with the results. I am still having issues with my food, so I am hoping that that will be solved soon. I want recovery in all areas: physical, spiritual, and emotional. One can only hope, right? Tomorrow I start again on day one. I hate starting over, but I think this is it. I am making promises to myself and adding some new tools. For instance, I am going to promise myself to listen to at least two Beit T'Shuvah songs and make at least three phone calls before eating non-abstinent food. This is a promise to myself, so I will hopefully keep them.

Tomorrow I am going to see the surgeon, and I will hopefully be getting my drains out. I hope he takes out both of them, but I have a feeling that he will only take out one. I would like to start working out and taking showers, which I can't really do with the drain tubes in. Tomorrow I will do a lot of walking, if not jogging. I want to see what my body can handle right now. I am also going to meet with a potential wedding vendor, so I should be plenty busy and not eat. I need to use my tools more when I get weak. I need to lean into program and trust that G-d will take away my food cravings. I know it is only one day at a time, and I know that even after 18 years, I could break. All we have is one day. It is not a race. We are all in this together.

Recovery, One Day At A Time

This post is going to be short, but I just wanted to give an update. Post-surgery, my body is doing great, and I am healing wonderfully. I will post some more pictures tomorrow, and hopefully have an update on Tuesday about my drain tubes.

Emotionally, I'm having some trouble with the food, but I am taking it one day at a time. I am almost done with day one, again. I hate starting over, but I have been honest about it, and I think that counts for something. I hope that after the flour and sugar is out of my system, the crazy thoughts will go away again. Time will only tell.