Onederland

Well, it's been about two years since I've posted. I've been ashamed. I've gained weight. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. It was humiliating, and I wanted to be alone.

In November of 2013, I was in a program called Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous and I was able to get down to my lowest weight as a grown adult, 148.8. I was on top of the world. Everything was amazing, and I felt great about my body and myself. People were complimenting me, boys were hitting on me, and I finally started to feel like a normal person.

For some reason that I can't explain, I began to have trouble in program. I wasn't able to follow my meal plan, and I began bingeing again. Slowly, but surely, the weight began to come back on with a mission, and I was gaining weight faster than I ever had before. I would say to myself, "I won't let myself get back to 160." Then, before you know it, 160 had come and gone. I wasn't able to keep promises to myself, and I didn't trust myself around food.

In December of 2016, I went on a cruise with my family. We had photos taken, and it was the first time in two years I had really looked at myself. I was fat again. I went through so much work having weight loss surgery, joining program, losing 160 pounds, having skin removal surgery... and for what? I gained it all back.

I decided to rejoin FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous) after coming back from the cruise. When I stepped on the scale on Saturday evening, I weighed in at 272.6 pounds. I had gained back 131.8 pounds that I had lost. I was so upset. I felt like a failure. I walked back into the rooms on December 27th, and I have been what we call abstinent since that date. I don't eat any flour or sugar, and all of my meals are weighed and measured.

Today was weigh in day. I've been back in program a little more than seven months, and.. as of this morning, I have released 76 pounds. I am finally back below 200 pounds, and I weighed in at 196.6. I do not ever intend on regaining those pounds, but the hardest part for me isn't necessarily getting the weight off, its keeping it off. I will begin to start blogging again, and keeping you all updated. The accountability helps, and I feel like I am emotionally at a place where I feel comfortable sharing. If you are reading this, just know, you are not alone. Many struggle with their weight. Some more than others. The tip is to focus on handling it a day at a time, and it makes it much more manageable.