New Years Eve (5 Days Post Op)

In about eight minutes, it will be 2014, and I am very excited. It has been a hard past few days, but today leaves me optimistic and hopeful. I was afraid that I would not be able to stay abstinent. I was afraid that I was a failure and that all of my work was going to waste. I was afraid of failing. But I pushed forward and I took my addiction one day at a time. Today was day one, and I managed to get through the day. I know it was with the help of my higher power, but I managed to make it through.

Josh and I spent most of the day together, and we worked on our bridal registry at Bed Bath and Beyond. It was nice to get out of the house and move around. My drainage tubes are giving out less fluid, which is great, and my incision is starting to itch, which means its healing. Overall, my recovery is doing wonderful, and I look forward to continue this amazing process next year. I promise to write more tomorrow and post some more pictures. L'shana tovah! Happy New Year!

Wanting To Eat

I am a food addict. No matter how hard I try or what I do, that will always be a fact. I will always have an addiction to flour, sugar, and quantities that sets me a part from other people. I know it seems crazy. You might wonder why I can't control myself, but it is the same as an alcohol or any other addiction. I don't know why I do it or why it has control over me, but it does.

These past few days have been hard on me, and I ended up having a binge. Today, I have been doing okay, but I really want to eat right now. I promised that I would write about it before eating, so this is my try. I still want to eat, even knowing the consequences. I know that I can gain all of the weight back. I know how I feel after I binge. I know how sad and upset I get and how worthless I feel. None of that helps.

I don't want to eat, but I do. That probably doesn't make sense, but it is what goes on in my head. I know it is wrong, but it is just something I have to deal with. I end up hiding it from others and "secret eating" to make sure that I am not judged or hated. This leads to even more self-hate and causing me to be more upset about it.

Right now, I am sitting on the couch and trying to not eat. I am trying to focus on the television and distract myself from food thoughts, but it is not working. I've tried doing the readings and I've tried to write. We'll see what happens, but right now my head is filled with food thoughts. One day, I hope that I don't have these thoughts and I am sane around food, but right now, that is not the case. Wish me luck. I will do another surgery update tomorrow!

Day 3 Post Op (With Some More Pictures)

The past few days have been up and down, and I've been in and out of pain. It is not extreme pain, but it pinches and pulls and is uncomfortable. After trying to put on normal clothes yesterday, my incision began to hurt enough for me to take the prescribed pain medication. I've only taken it a few times, because I know that it can cause constipation and that it is a strong dose. I thought it would help make the pain better, but it only made me groggy and sleepy. The pain did go away, but I felt sort of sick after taking the medication. I will admit, that I was able to sleep more last night than I have in a long time.

Last night, I went to my fiancés house after taking the medication and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. The medication made me feel sleepy and weak. After he drove me home, I ended up passing out again early on the couch. After my parents came home, I moved to my bed and then slept until morning. I let the pain medication wear off today, but my body is still weak. I guess it is all a part of the recovery process.

Here are some pictures of what my incision looks like today in comparison to the before pictures taken a few days before surgery. Some of the swelling is starting to go down, but it still is only day three. I have a long recovery process in front of me. Let me know if you have any questions or comments!

I Couldn't Wait! (Post-Op Pictures)

So this morning I changed my padding over the stitches and took some pictures. Here are my results so far! There is still a lot of swelling, and it can take up to six months for all of the swelling to go down and everything to smooth out. This is still less than 24 hours after surgery, so I have a lot of recovery ahead of me. Let me know what you think!!!

Two days before surgery and day after Left Side

Two days before surgery and day after Right Side

Two days before surgery and day after Front Side

Day 2 - Post Op

Yesterday, I had my pannus removed, and I am feeling great. I have slight discomfort in my abdomen area, and there is a little pinching if I move too fast, but overall, I couldn't be better. My aftercare instructions read to remove the bandaging when it gets dirty, but the curiosity is killing me. I can't wait to see what my new abdomen looks like and how my stitches and scar look so far. I measured yesterday and the length of the incision is about 20 inches, so it should be a pretty extreme cut.

This is not a picture of me, but this is what it should look like. I will post pictures of my scar as soon as my bandages get replaced.

I have two Jackson Pratt drainage tubes coming out of my lower stomach, and it helps the excess fluids drain out of my body that would otherwise be draining into my body and could cause infection. I think that out of all of the pain and discomfort associated with the surgery, the pinching of where the drains come out is probably the most uncomfortable. I am supposed to empty them two to three times daily and mark down the amount of liquid that I am draining. The drains might be able to be removed on Thursday during my post-operation visit with the surgeon depending on how much is still coming out of them.

On the left, you can see where my drainage tubes come out and on the right you can see the containers they drain into

Last night, I decided I wanted to get an abdominal binder. An abdominal binder pulls the abdomen together and ensures that the incision does not move too much or begin to separate. My mom, my sister, and I went to drive down Candy Cane Lane down the street and then we went to Walgreens. I ended up buying two binders because they were buy one get one half off, but I still spent about $50 on the two binders and some sugar free cough drops. During my surgery, the surgeons put an endotracheal tube down my throat to help with breathing while I was under anesthesia. After surgery, the most pain that I am having is my sore throat. Weird right? Oh well, I am not complaining.

Abdominal Binder

The hospital prescribed me an antibiotic and pain killers to help with the pain as needed. Although I am not in extreme pain, I took a pain killer last night before I went to bed (with my antibiotic) just in case the pain kicked in last night or this morning. I also took another pill this morning when I woke up to get me through the morning. I am sure the pain medicine, anesthesia and everything else from the hospital has worn off by now, so I am pretty happy about my pain results so far. I think this recovery is going to be a lot easier than I anticipated. I will still be taking it easy and not pushing it too hard, but I am FAR better than I thought I would be.

Day 1 - Post Op (Details And Pictures Included!)

This morning was my infamous panniculectomy surgery. Dr. Neal L Gorlick was my assigned surgeon, and I was told to call yesterday to find out the exact time of my surgery. When I called the first time, they told me to come to Kaiser at 9:30am for an 11:30am surgery. Calling was a little surreal, because having a set time made it that much more real. Later yesterday evening, I received a call from Kaiser telling my that my surgery had been rescheduled, and I was to show up at 7:30am for a 9:30am surgery. I was excited for it to be sooner, but it meant that we had to leave the Antelope Valley at 6am to get there on time. That wasn't a problem. For some reason, I was not able to sleep well last night. After going to bed around 9:30-10pm, my body woke up at 2am and did not want to go back to sleep. After a few hours, I ended up taking a short nap before getting up and taking a shower and getting ready. I was not allowed to eat anything or drink anything after midnight so my mouth was very dry. I grabbed everything I needed, and we were on our way!

Hi! My name is Dr. Neal L Gorlick, and I am Rachel's surgeon!

We arrived at the hospital a few minutes early and checked in at admitting. I was given a white hospital bracelet and told to go up the elevator to the surgery holding area.

My official hospital band

After getting to the holding area, I was weighed and told to change into a hospital gown, cap, and shoesocks. For those of you who don't know what shoesocks are, they are these nifty little socks that have grip on the bottom so you don't slip while walking. I love them, and I was excited to get another pair. I'm still wearing mine! After I changed, they moved my mom and I to a corner area with a hospital bed and began to take my blood pressure, temperature and covered my legs in compression cuffs to avoid clotting during surgery.

Hi! My name is Rachel, and I am excited for surgery!

Unfortunately, there were a few mishaps along the way. The nurse that tried to put my IV in couldn't find a vein because I was very cold. When she finally was able to locate one that would be usable, It really hurt when she put it in my hand. Also, another surgeon came to talk to me about "my surgery," and after asking a bunch of questions and becoming comfortable, she realized I was not the right patient... Her patient was next door. Oops!

My IV and me being sad when it hurt putting it in

A while later, my REAL surgeon came to mark me up. He asked my mom and the second nurse to leave the room, and then he took his surgeon marker and drew where they would be cutting. He told me that the skin and fat they would be taking off would only weigh about 2-3 pounds, and it would not be a significant weight loss.

After the markings, I was almost ready to go! The anesthesiologist came in and spoke to me about the risks and complications for the surgery. He explained that the surgery would be about 2-2 1/2 hours and I would be under general anesthesia during that time. Shortly after we spoke, I was wheeled away to the operating room. I was moved to an operating table and my arms were placed on side tabled to be secured for surgery. I don't really remember much after that.

I woke up kind of groggy, but I remember asking for my mom right away. The nurse tried to reach her, but the hospital service was not great so we had some issues. While I was finishing up in the recovery unit, my mom was gracious enough to go to the pharmacy and pick up my antibiotics and my pain medication. The nurse was able to get me a cup of ice water, so my mouth was not so dry.

After my mom came, the hospital wanted to make sure that I was not nauseous and I was able to urinate before leaving. They provided me with a diet 7-up type drink and a small cup of sugar free jello. After consuming the jello and the drink, I was able to stand up and walk on my own. I also was able to make it to the restroom and do everything else they needed. They informed me that my surgery only took about an hour and half, and I was done, dressed, and in the car leaving the hospital by 1:45. Originally, they told me that I should expect 2 hours before surgery, a 3-5 hour surgery, and 1 hour post surgery... That would have totaled 6-8 hours and I was only there 6 so it was definitely faster than I expected.

After I got home, I was able to take some pictures with the bandages on. You can see that I definitely still have loose skin and excess fat in my upper abdomen, but the entire lower part is missing. I can't wait until I am able to remove all of my gauze, tape, and coverings to see what the scar looks like. I know is is about 20 inches across my lower abdomen from hip to hip, but I hope it looks aesthetically pleasing. Let me know what you all think!

Thank you for all of your support and keep reading!!!

Tomorrow Is The Big Day

Tomorrow is surgery, and I am getting ready for bed. I have to report to check in at 7:30am, so I'll be leaving my house around 6am. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I had to take off all of my jewelry for the surgery tomorrow, and I am not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. I am also not supposed to wear makeup, lotion, or my contacts. I am ready for this, and I bought fluids and vitamins for post-surgery recovery. I should be in and out tomorrow and be back tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Progress Through Pictures

The highest weight that I ever saw on a scale was 310 pounds (140.6 kilos), but I may have weighed more than that at some point, because I stopped weighing myself. At my heaviest weight, I decided to get the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy from Kaiser and have part of my stomach removed to assist with my weight loss. For Kaiser to agree to perform the surgery on me, they required that I lose 10% of my body weight from the weight they thought I weighed. On the record, Kaiser had my weight floating around 305 so I would need to lose 30ish pounds before they would help me. After starving myself and becoming an exercise bulimic to get to the weight goal that was required of me, I was able to get down to about 288 pounds before the surgery. They agreed that it was close enough and performed the surgery. The day following the surgery, I decided to take a "before picture" of what I looked like in the beginning of my weight loss journey. Although this picture was taken at around 288 and not 310, it is a good reminder of where I come from and gives me something to compare my current body to.

Shown above is a "before" picture of the day after my VSG surgery at 288 pounds and my body today (12/25/13) at 150 pounds.

You can see in the above pictures where my skin hangs from the rapid weight loss. BUT! Do you want to see what all of that excess skin REALLY looks like? Check out these pictures taken from today.

Although my body may look "normal" when I am wearing clothes, this is what is truly underneath. After losing 160 pounds, my skin was unable to stretch back completely, leaving me with hanging skin on my body. Friday morning, this will all change. I will be having the panniculectomy surgery. This surgery will remove the majority of my excess fat and skin in my lower abdomen and help to make my body look the way it should. The surgery results will look something like this.

I will be posting every day about my recovery and how I am healing in the process. I will also post pictures after surgery so everyone can see how my body is healing. If there are any requests for information, or questions about my surgery, please ask. I am more than happy to answer all questions.

Being a Jew on Christmas Eve

So like the stereotype, Josh and I went and saw Frozen today. Following the magnificent film, I spent the rest of the day watching movies with my little sister, Jenny. Although we didn't eat Chinese food, today I learned the meaning of Christmas: Mishpacha (family). After seeing Frozen, Parental Guidance, and Christmas movie about a Jewish boy who trades places with another child during the holidays, I recognized the theme in all three movies. Family is an important aspect of the holidays, and I am lucky enough to be home during this time. We may fight, and they may annoy me a good amount of the time... but I love them, and I am grateful for their support.

My family is a part of my support system. For school, for work, for life. I lean on them during the best and worst of times, and I am privileged to have a family that is there for me. Someone once said that "a grateful heart never eats." Well, tonight I am grateful. I am grateful that I made it through another day of abstinence. I am grateful to have a roof over my head. I am grateful to have food on the table. I am grateful for my support system and my higher power. But, most of all, I am grateful to be able to share my recovery with others and give back what I have so generously been given. I do what I can, when I can. A life of sane and happy usefulness is what I am promised as a result of my program. Service to others fulfills that promise.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays. For anyone who needs service today, feel free to call or email me. I will be available. Have a wonderful day!

Ultimate Wedding Checklist: Get In Wedding Day Shape

So in case you didn't know, I am getting married next year. Eleven months from this evening, I will be dancing the night away and spending time with my closest family and friends. Wedding planning is tough, and can cause a lot of stress. However, if done right, it can be less stressful and even a little fun.

I signed up on theknot.com for a wedding website and wedding help, because they offer an RSVP option, a wedding checklist, ideas, and so much more. Today, I decided to skim through the checklist to see how I was doing compared to their timeline. I couldn't help but stop when I got to this one:

"Get in wedding day shape by eating right, joining a gym, and/or even hiring a personal trainer."

This made me think about the way I used to think about weight loss. "I need to lose weight for so-and-so's wedding" or "If I could only lose X amount of pounds by this event..." These are things that many people face, and it is not healthy. We shouldn't be losing weight FOR an event, a person, or for anything other than ourselves. We should be getting healthy for us. AND we should be striving to be healthy every day, forever... not just for six months until that next big event.

T-5 Days Until Surgery

So I am having the panniculectomy surgery on Friday, and I am a little nervous. I have never had a "normal" body, and it is my first step surgically to help me reach my goal of feeling comfortable in my own body. I have a lot of skin, and sometimes I just feel like a fraud. I may look good with clothes on, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see where my body used to be. I can see the stretched out body that I used to fill and the pain that comes with it. I do not feel like the body I have is my real body. It just feels fake.

Friday, they will be removing the skin from my belly button down. They will cut me from hip to hip and remove my "skin apron" that has been created from rapid weight loss. Although skin is elastic and can grow back somewhat, it is similar to a rubber band: once it reaches a certain limit, there is no going back. Surgery will remove a lot of the skin and make my body look a little bit more "normal". Now, I am not doing this surgery to look hot or to get a great bod. If I wanted to look good, I would have paid for the tummy tuck (a whole different surgery)! I am getting the surgery to feel better in my own skin and to get rid of the part of my body that honestly feels like a tumor.

I will be taking before and after photos and posting them on here so those who are interested can see them. I will also be blogging every day to talk about not only my recovery in FA but by recovery from surgery as well. I hope it will be useful and inspirational for those who need it.

Every Day Is A New Day

This is going to be cutting it close, because I started this post at 11:57PM, but I am keeping to my goal of blogging every day. Today was a lot easier than yesterday in terms of abstinence. I didn't have food cravings as much, except when my sister cooked, and the house smelled really yummy.

I prepared all of my food for the time I will be home for break today, and I pre-weighed and packaged all of my meat and vegetables into containers. They're in the freezer now, so all I have to do is heat them up, and it will be ready for me to eat.

Tomorrow today is day three, and I made it through two days of continuous abstinence. I feel good about it, and although I am still struggling and having food thoughts, I am taking it one day at a time. If you are out there in the food, hold on. It gets better. Just put down the food. It is not worth it. After eating abstinent food, candy, chips, pizza, brownies, and some other stuff on Thursday, I was still not satisfied. I still wanted something more, and I will never be able to fill that hole and that's okay. Some people call it the "G-d shaped hole" so if I lean into program more, I might get rid of, or at least make smaller, these horrible cravings.

Today is day three, and I know I can do this with the help of my higher power. I just need to take it one day at a time, and I will get through each day with grace and serenity.

All I Want To Do Is Eat... Abstinence, Day 1.

I am not hungry. I have had my three meals of food today, and my body is physically satisfied, but my brain is in a very scary place. All I want to do is eat. I want to go into the kitchen and eat anything and everything I can get my hands on and then go buy the things I want to eat that we do not have in the house. I have been thinking about food all day, well not all day, but the majority. There were a few points when the thoughts were subdued, but tonight... it is bad.

I am lucky to say that I had a recovery in me enough to stop eating last night and drop the food. I began over at day one of abstinence this morning, and I was so excited when I was following the plan and doing my tools. Right now, I feel pretty neutral, but I was a wreck earlier. My mom was worried enough about me that she asked if I wanted to sleep with her and made me promise to wake her up before I ate.

The last thing I want to do right now is write or do tools or anything to do with recovery, but I know I need it. I am a very sick person when it comes to food. I have lied, stolen other people's food, and even cheated my way into getting the food I want in the past. I am scared that I wont be able to stay abstinent. All I have is a day at a time, and right now, I made it through day one. Hopefully tomorrow will get easier and the feelings I am having are related to detox from the flour and sugar. Sometimes its okay to feel weak, and sometimes you just need to sleep it off. I hope it works.

10,000 Steps Forward, One GIANT Step Back

Thin is not healthy. That is what they tell you in FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Annonymous), and let me tell you... ain't that the truth! I have been a food addict for as long as I can remember, and yet I still forget. I think I can handle this illness on my own. Maybe I can just take the bite and only have just one. Maybe I can have a meal and be satisfied without having cravings or food thoughts. Nope, not going to happen. I am always thinking about food. If I am not thinking about when my next meal is, I am thinking about what I am going to eat for the next week or what thing I can drink or chew on to settle the cravings. I am a full on, raging, scary, food addict.

Tonight I broke my abstinence.

"Abstinence from what?," you ask? Abstinence from the healthy eating plan that I have been living by for the past seven months. FA defines abstinence as weighed and measured meals with nothing in between, no flour, no sugar and the avoidance of any individual binge foods. This is the way in which I live. This is the lifestyle I choose. It is not forced upon me. I just know that it is my last option, because nothing else works for me. I have tried every diet known to mankind. For heavens sake... I had my stomach removed! Did that help? No. I stretched my stomach back out to a "normal" size stomach again and reversed the surgery.

You might be skeptical about my disease because it is hard for those who do not have the disease to see it. It is the same as an alcoholic or a drug addict. I can't help myself. I literally can hear the voice in my head talking and telling me not to eat, but I want to. I honestly have no control over my disease when it takes over. Food addiction is defined as “an illness of the mind, body, and spirit for which there is no cure.” I can control it with the help of my higher power and with program, but deep inside, it will never leave.

Deep within me there is a food disease dying to get out and kill me. This is not a joke. It really wants to kill me. I will eat everything and anything if given the chance. This disease caused fear, doubt, insecurity, and negativity to grow within me and take me away from the real world. I can't reach out to others when I am in the food. I want to, I really do. I want to call my sponsor or a fellow or my fiancé or ANYONE and talk about my feelings. But do I? No. The food addiction is stronger than I am. People tell me all the time how strong I am. I am not strong. I am weak. I try to pretend to be strong and be a role model to others but being a mascot is too much energy and drains my recovery.

I need to be of service to others. Finding a healthy way to do so is difficult because I am a people pleaser, but making calls and showing up are two of the ways in which I can give service. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others" (Gandhi). Not only do I need to be of more service, but I need to be more honest: with myself and with others. I am not the only one who noticed that I am not honest at times and hide when I need help or recovery. A professor wrote in a journal entry of mine,

"You might also think about how to pay attention to and ask for help on things that actually aren't going well, especially because you know this is a safe place to be vulnerable."

I need to be vulnerable and open up. I need to be honest about the amount of gum I am chewing. I need to be honest about the diet soda I drink. I need to be honest about my quiet time. I need to be honest about my phone calls. I need to be honest about my feelings. I am scared to open up and share with the world. It leaves me in an insecure place in which I can get hurt. Getting hurt sucks, but without opening up and giving of yourself, there will be no growth. You either grow or you go. Thats how it works.