Thin is not healthy. That is what they tell you in
FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Annonymous), and let me tell you... ain't that the truth! I have been a food addict for as long as I can remember, and yet I still forget. I think I can handle this illness on my own. Maybe I can just take the bite and only have just one. Maybe I can have a meal and be satisfied without having cravings or food thoughts.
Nope, not going to happen. I am always thinking about food. If I am not thinking about when my next meal is, I am thinking about what I am going to eat for the next week or what thing I can drink or chew on to settle the cravings. I am a full on, raging, scary, food addict.
Tonight I broke my abstinence.
"Abstinence from what?," you ask? Abstinence from the healthy eating plan that I have been living by for the past seven months. FA defines
abstinence as weighed and measured meals with nothing in between, no flour, no sugar and the avoidance of any individual binge foods. This is the way in which I live. This is the lifestyle I choose. It is not forced upon me. I just know that it is my last option, because
nothing else works for me. I have tried every diet known to mankind. For heavens sake... I had my stomach removed! Did that help? No. I stretched my stomach back out to a "normal" size stomach again and reversed the surgery.
You might be skeptical about my disease because it is hard for those who do not have the disease to see it. It is the same as an alcoholic or a drug addict. I can't help myself. I literally can hear the voice in my head talking and telling me not to eat, but I want to. I honestly have no control over my disease when it takes over. Food addiction is defined as “an illness of the mind, body, and spirit for which there is no cure.” I can control it with the help of my higher power and with program, but deep inside, it will never leave.
Deep within me there is a food disease dying to get out and kill me.
This is not a joke. It really wants to kill me. I will eat everything and anything if given the chance. This disease caused fear, doubt, insecurity, and negativity to grow within me and take me away from the real world.
I can't reach out to others when I am in the food. I want to, I really do. I want to call my sponsor or a fellow or my fiancé or ANYONE and talk about my feelings. But do I? No. The food addiction is stronger than I am. People tell me all the time how strong I am.
I am not strong. I am weak. I try to pretend to be strong and be a role model to others but being a mascot is too much energy and drains my recovery.
I need to be of service to others. Finding a healthy way to do so is difficult because I am a people pleaser, but making calls and showing up are two of the ways in which I can give service. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others" (Gandhi). Not only do I need to be of more service, but I need to be more honest: with myself and with others. I am not the only one who noticed that I am not honest at times and hide when I need help or recovery. A professor wrote in a journal entry of mine,
"You might also think about how to pay attention to and ask for help on things that actually aren't going well, especially because you know this is a safe place to be vulnerable."
I need to be vulnerable and open up. I need to be honest about the amount of gum I am chewing. I need to be honest about the diet soda I drink. I need to be honest about my quiet time. I need to be honest about my phone calls. I need to be honest about my feelings. I am scared to open up and share with the world. It leaves me in an insecure place in which I can get hurt. Getting hurt sucks, but without opening up and giving of yourself, there will be no growth. You either grow or you go. Thats how it works.
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