All I Want To Do Is Eat... Abstinence, Day 1.

I am not hungry. I have had my three meals of food today, and my body is physically satisfied, but my brain is in a very scary place. All I want to do is eat. I want to go into the kitchen and eat anything and everything I can get my hands on and then go buy the things I want to eat that we do not have in the house. I have been thinking about food all day, well not all day, but the majority. There were a few points when the thoughts were subdued, but tonight... it is bad.

I am lucky to say that I had a recovery in me enough to stop eating last night and drop the food. I began over at day one of abstinence this morning, and I was so excited when I was following the plan and doing my tools. Right now, I feel pretty neutral, but I was a wreck earlier. My mom was worried enough about me that she asked if I wanted to sleep with her and made me promise to wake her up before I ate.

The last thing I want to do right now is write or do tools or anything to do with recovery, but I know I need it. I am a very sick person when it comes to food. I have lied, stolen other people's food, and even cheated my way into getting the food I want in the past. I am scared that I wont be able to stay abstinent. All I have is a day at a time, and right now, I made it through day one. Hopefully tomorrow will get easier and the feelings I am having are related to detox from the flour and sugar. Sometimes its okay to feel weak, and sometimes you just need to sleep it off. I hope it works.