New Years Eve (5 Days Post Op)

In about eight minutes, it will be 2014, and I am very excited. It has been a hard past few days, but today leaves me optimistic and hopeful. I was afraid that I would not be able to stay abstinent. I was afraid that I was a failure and that all of my work was going to waste. I was afraid of failing. But I pushed forward and I took my addiction one day at a time. Today was day one, and I managed to get through the day. I know it was with the help of my higher power, but I managed to make it through.

Josh and I spent most of the day together, and we worked on our bridal registry at Bed Bath and Beyond. It was nice to get out of the house and move around. My drainage tubes are giving out less fluid, which is great, and my incision is starting to itch, which means its healing. Overall, my recovery is doing wonderful, and I look forward to continue this amazing process next year. I promise to write more tomorrow and post some more pictures. L'shana tovah! Happy New Year!

Wanting To Eat

I am a food addict. No matter how hard I try or what I do, that will always be a fact. I will always have an addiction to flour, sugar, and quantities that sets me a part from other people. I know it seems crazy. You might wonder why I can't control myself, but it is the same as an alcohol or any other addiction. I don't know why I do it or why it has control over me, but it does.

These past few days have been hard on me, and I ended up having a binge. Today, I have been doing okay, but I really want to eat right now. I promised that I would write about it before eating, so this is my try. I still want to eat, even knowing the consequences. I know that I can gain all of the weight back. I know how I feel after I binge. I know how sad and upset I get and how worthless I feel. None of that helps.

I don't want to eat, but I do. That probably doesn't make sense, but it is what goes on in my head. I know it is wrong, but it is just something I have to deal with. I end up hiding it from others and "secret eating" to make sure that I am not judged or hated. This leads to even more self-hate and causing me to be more upset about it.

Right now, I am sitting on the couch and trying to not eat. I am trying to focus on the television and distract myself from food thoughts, but it is not working. I've tried doing the readings and I've tried to write. We'll see what happens, but right now my head is filled with food thoughts. One day, I hope that I don't have these thoughts and I am sane around food, but right now, that is not the case. Wish me luck. I will do another surgery update tomorrow!

Day 3 Post Op (With Some More Pictures)

The past few days have been up and down, and I've been in and out of pain. It is not extreme pain, but it pinches and pulls and is uncomfortable. After trying to put on normal clothes yesterday, my incision began to hurt enough for me to take the prescribed pain medication. I've only taken it a few times, because I know that it can cause constipation and that it is a strong dose. I thought it would help make the pain better, but it only made me groggy and sleepy. The pain did go away, but I felt sort of sick after taking the medication. I will admit, that I was able to sleep more last night than I have in a long time.

Last night, I went to my fiancés house after taking the medication and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. The medication made me feel sleepy and weak. After he drove me home, I ended up passing out again early on the couch. After my parents came home, I moved to my bed and then slept until morning. I let the pain medication wear off today, but my body is still weak. I guess it is all a part of the recovery process.

Here are some pictures of what my incision looks like today in comparison to the before pictures taken a few days before surgery. Some of the swelling is starting to go down, but it still is only day three. I have a long recovery process in front of me. Let me know if you have any questions or comments!

I Couldn't Wait! (Post-Op Pictures)

So this morning I changed my padding over the stitches and took some pictures. Here are my results so far! There is still a lot of swelling, and it can take up to six months for all of the swelling to go down and everything to smooth out. This is still less than 24 hours after surgery, so I have a lot of recovery ahead of me. Let me know what you think!!!

Two days before surgery and day after Left Side

Two days before surgery and day after Right Side

Two days before surgery and day after Front Side

Day 2 - Post Op

Yesterday, I had my pannus removed, and I am feeling great. I have slight discomfort in my abdomen area, and there is a little pinching if I move too fast, but overall, I couldn't be better. My aftercare instructions read to remove the bandaging when it gets dirty, but the curiosity is killing me. I can't wait to see what my new abdomen looks like and how my stitches and scar look so far. I measured yesterday and the length of the incision is about 20 inches, so it should be a pretty extreme cut.

This is not a picture of me, but this is what it should look like. I will post pictures of my scar as soon as my bandages get replaced.

I have two Jackson Pratt drainage tubes coming out of my lower stomach, and it helps the excess fluids drain out of my body that would otherwise be draining into my body and could cause infection. I think that out of all of the pain and discomfort associated with the surgery, the pinching of where the drains come out is probably the most uncomfortable. I am supposed to empty them two to three times daily and mark down the amount of liquid that I am draining. The drains might be able to be removed on Thursday during my post-operation visit with the surgeon depending on how much is still coming out of them.

On the left, you can see where my drainage tubes come out and on the right you can see the containers they drain into

Last night, I decided I wanted to get an abdominal binder. An abdominal binder pulls the abdomen together and ensures that the incision does not move too much or begin to separate. My mom, my sister, and I went to drive down Candy Cane Lane down the street and then we went to Walgreens. I ended up buying two binders because they were buy one get one half off, but I still spent about $50 on the two binders and some sugar free cough drops. During my surgery, the surgeons put an endotracheal tube down my throat to help with breathing while I was under anesthesia. After surgery, the most pain that I am having is my sore throat. Weird right? Oh well, I am not complaining.

Abdominal Binder

The hospital prescribed me an antibiotic and pain killers to help with the pain as needed. Although I am not in extreme pain, I took a pain killer last night before I went to bed (with my antibiotic) just in case the pain kicked in last night or this morning. I also took another pill this morning when I woke up to get me through the morning. I am sure the pain medicine, anesthesia and everything else from the hospital has worn off by now, so I am pretty happy about my pain results so far. I think this recovery is going to be a lot easier than I anticipated. I will still be taking it easy and not pushing it too hard, but I am FAR better than I thought I would be.

Day 1 - Post Op (Details And Pictures Included!)

This morning was my infamous panniculectomy surgery. Dr. Neal L Gorlick was my assigned surgeon, and I was told to call yesterday to find out the exact time of my surgery. When I called the first time, they told me to come to Kaiser at 9:30am for an 11:30am surgery. Calling was a little surreal, because having a set time made it that much more real. Later yesterday evening, I received a call from Kaiser telling my that my surgery had been rescheduled, and I was to show up at 7:30am for a 9:30am surgery. I was excited for it to be sooner, but it meant that we had to leave the Antelope Valley at 6am to get there on time. That wasn't a problem. For some reason, I was not able to sleep well last night. After going to bed around 9:30-10pm, my body woke up at 2am and did not want to go back to sleep. After a few hours, I ended up taking a short nap before getting up and taking a shower and getting ready. I was not allowed to eat anything or drink anything after midnight so my mouth was very dry. I grabbed everything I needed, and we were on our way!

Hi! My name is Dr. Neal L Gorlick, and I am Rachel's surgeon!

We arrived at the hospital a few minutes early and checked in at admitting. I was given a white hospital bracelet and told to go up the elevator to the surgery holding area.

My official hospital band

After getting to the holding area, I was weighed and told to change into a hospital gown, cap, and shoesocks. For those of you who don't know what shoesocks are, they are these nifty little socks that have grip on the bottom so you don't slip while walking. I love them, and I was excited to get another pair. I'm still wearing mine! After I changed, they moved my mom and I to a corner area with a hospital bed and began to take my blood pressure, temperature and covered my legs in compression cuffs to avoid clotting during surgery.

Hi! My name is Rachel, and I am excited for surgery!

Unfortunately, there were a few mishaps along the way. The nurse that tried to put my IV in couldn't find a vein because I was very cold. When she finally was able to locate one that would be usable, It really hurt when she put it in my hand. Also, another surgeon came to talk to me about "my surgery," and after asking a bunch of questions and becoming comfortable, she realized I was not the right patient... Her patient was next door. Oops!

My IV and me being sad when it hurt putting it in

A while later, my REAL surgeon came to mark me up. He asked my mom and the second nurse to leave the room, and then he took his surgeon marker and drew where they would be cutting. He told me that the skin and fat they would be taking off would only weigh about 2-3 pounds, and it would not be a significant weight loss.

After the markings, I was almost ready to go! The anesthesiologist came in and spoke to me about the risks and complications for the surgery. He explained that the surgery would be about 2-2 1/2 hours and I would be under general anesthesia during that time. Shortly after we spoke, I was wheeled away to the operating room. I was moved to an operating table and my arms were placed on side tabled to be secured for surgery. I don't really remember much after that.

I woke up kind of groggy, but I remember asking for my mom right away. The nurse tried to reach her, but the hospital service was not great so we had some issues. While I was finishing up in the recovery unit, my mom was gracious enough to go to the pharmacy and pick up my antibiotics and my pain medication. The nurse was able to get me a cup of ice water, so my mouth was not so dry.

After my mom came, the hospital wanted to make sure that I was not nauseous and I was able to urinate before leaving. They provided me with a diet 7-up type drink and a small cup of sugar free jello. After consuming the jello and the drink, I was able to stand up and walk on my own. I also was able to make it to the restroom and do everything else they needed. They informed me that my surgery only took about an hour and half, and I was done, dressed, and in the car leaving the hospital by 1:45. Originally, they told me that I should expect 2 hours before surgery, a 3-5 hour surgery, and 1 hour post surgery... That would have totaled 6-8 hours and I was only there 6 so it was definitely faster than I expected.

After I got home, I was able to take some pictures with the bandages on. You can see that I definitely still have loose skin and excess fat in my upper abdomen, but the entire lower part is missing. I can't wait until I am able to remove all of my gauze, tape, and coverings to see what the scar looks like. I know is is about 20 inches across my lower abdomen from hip to hip, but I hope it looks aesthetically pleasing. Let me know what you all think!

Thank you for all of your support and keep reading!!!

Tomorrow Is The Big Day

Tomorrow is surgery, and I am getting ready for bed. I have to report to check in at 7:30am, so I'll be leaving my house around 6am. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I had to take off all of my jewelry for the surgery tomorrow, and I am not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. I am also not supposed to wear makeup, lotion, or my contacts. I am ready for this, and I bought fluids and vitamins for post-surgery recovery. I should be in and out tomorrow and be back tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Progress Through Pictures

The highest weight that I ever saw on a scale was 310 pounds (140.6 kilos), but I may have weighed more than that at some point, because I stopped weighing myself. At my heaviest weight, I decided to get the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy from Kaiser and have part of my stomach removed to assist with my weight loss. For Kaiser to agree to perform the surgery on me, they required that I lose 10% of my body weight from the weight they thought I weighed. On the record, Kaiser had my weight floating around 305 so I would need to lose 30ish pounds before they would help me. After starving myself and becoming an exercise bulimic to get to the weight goal that was required of me, I was able to get down to about 288 pounds before the surgery. They agreed that it was close enough and performed the surgery. The day following the surgery, I decided to take a "before picture" of what I looked like in the beginning of my weight loss journey. Although this picture was taken at around 288 and not 310, it is a good reminder of where I come from and gives me something to compare my current body to.

Shown above is a "before" picture of the day after my VSG surgery at 288 pounds and my body today (12/25/13) at 150 pounds.

You can see in the above pictures where my skin hangs from the rapid weight loss. BUT! Do you want to see what all of that excess skin REALLY looks like? Check out these pictures taken from today.

Although my body may look "normal" when I am wearing clothes, this is what is truly underneath. After losing 160 pounds, my skin was unable to stretch back completely, leaving me with hanging skin on my body. Friday morning, this will all change. I will be having the panniculectomy surgery. This surgery will remove the majority of my excess fat and skin in my lower abdomen and help to make my body look the way it should. The surgery results will look something like this.

I will be posting every day about my recovery and how I am healing in the process. I will also post pictures after surgery so everyone can see how my body is healing. If there are any requests for information, or questions about my surgery, please ask. I am more than happy to answer all questions.

Being a Jew on Christmas Eve

So like the stereotype, Josh and I went and saw Frozen today. Following the magnificent film, I spent the rest of the day watching movies with my little sister, Jenny. Although we didn't eat Chinese food, today I learned the meaning of Christmas: Mishpacha (family). After seeing Frozen, Parental Guidance, and Christmas movie about a Jewish boy who trades places with another child during the holidays, I recognized the theme in all three movies. Family is an important aspect of the holidays, and I am lucky enough to be home during this time. We may fight, and they may annoy me a good amount of the time... but I love them, and I am grateful for their support.

My family is a part of my support system. For school, for work, for life. I lean on them during the best and worst of times, and I am privileged to have a family that is there for me. Someone once said that "a grateful heart never eats." Well, tonight I am grateful. I am grateful that I made it through another day of abstinence. I am grateful to have a roof over my head. I am grateful to have food on the table. I am grateful for my support system and my higher power. But, most of all, I am grateful to be able to share my recovery with others and give back what I have so generously been given. I do what I can, when I can. A life of sane and happy usefulness is what I am promised as a result of my program. Service to others fulfills that promise.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays. For anyone who needs service today, feel free to call or email me. I will be available. Have a wonderful day!

Ultimate Wedding Checklist: Get In Wedding Day Shape

So in case you didn't know, I am getting married next year. Eleven months from this evening, I will be dancing the night away and spending time with my closest family and friends. Wedding planning is tough, and can cause a lot of stress. However, if done right, it can be less stressful and even a little fun.

I signed up on theknot.com for a wedding website and wedding help, because they offer an RSVP option, a wedding checklist, ideas, and so much more. Today, I decided to skim through the checklist to see how I was doing compared to their timeline. I couldn't help but stop when I got to this one:

"Get in wedding day shape by eating right, joining a gym, and/or even hiring a personal trainer."

This made me think about the way I used to think about weight loss. "I need to lose weight for so-and-so's wedding" or "If I could only lose X amount of pounds by this event..." These are things that many people face, and it is not healthy. We shouldn't be losing weight FOR an event, a person, or for anything other than ourselves. We should be getting healthy for us. AND we should be striving to be healthy every day, forever... not just for six months until that next big event.

T-5 Days Until Surgery

So I am having the panniculectomy surgery on Friday, and I am a little nervous. I have never had a "normal" body, and it is my first step surgically to help me reach my goal of feeling comfortable in my own body. I have a lot of skin, and sometimes I just feel like a fraud. I may look good with clothes on, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see where my body used to be. I can see the stretched out body that I used to fill and the pain that comes with it. I do not feel like the body I have is my real body. It just feels fake.

Friday, they will be removing the skin from my belly button down. They will cut me from hip to hip and remove my "skin apron" that has been created from rapid weight loss. Although skin is elastic and can grow back somewhat, it is similar to a rubber band: once it reaches a certain limit, there is no going back. Surgery will remove a lot of the skin and make my body look a little bit more "normal". Now, I am not doing this surgery to look hot or to get a great bod. If I wanted to look good, I would have paid for the tummy tuck (a whole different surgery)! I am getting the surgery to feel better in my own skin and to get rid of the part of my body that honestly feels like a tumor.

I will be taking before and after photos and posting them on here so those who are interested can see them. I will also be blogging every day to talk about not only my recovery in FA but by recovery from surgery as well. I hope it will be useful and inspirational for those who need it.

Every Day Is A New Day

This is going to be cutting it close, because I started this post at 11:57PM, but I am keeping to my goal of blogging every day. Today was a lot easier than yesterday in terms of abstinence. I didn't have food cravings as much, except when my sister cooked, and the house smelled really yummy.

I prepared all of my food for the time I will be home for break today, and I pre-weighed and packaged all of my meat and vegetables into containers. They're in the freezer now, so all I have to do is heat them up, and it will be ready for me to eat.

Tomorrow today is day three, and I made it through two days of continuous abstinence. I feel good about it, and although I am still struggling and having food thoughts, I am taking it one day at a time. If you are out there in the food, hold on. It gets better. Just put down the food. It is not worth it. After eating abstinent food, candy, chips, pizza, brownies, and some other stuff on Thursday, I was still not satisfied. I still wanted something more, and I will never be able to fill that hole and that's okay. Some people call it the "G-d shaped hole" so if I lean into program more, I might get rid of, or at least make smaller, these horrible cravings.

Today is day three, and I know I can do this with the help of my higher power. I just need to take it one day at a time, and I will get through each day with grace and serenity.

All I Want To Do Is Eat... Abstinence, Day 1.

I am not hungry. I have had my three meals of food today, and my body is physically satisfied, but my brain is in a very scary place. All I want to do is eat. I want to go into the kitchen and eat anything and everything I can get my hands on and then go buy the things I want to eat that we do not have in the house. I have been thinking about food all day, well not all day, but the majority. There were a few points when the thoughts were subdued, but tonight... it is bad.

I am lucky to say that I had a recovery in me enough to stop eating last night and drop the food. I began over at day one of abstinence this morning, and I was so excited when I was following the plan and doing my tools. Right now, I feel pretty neutral, but I was a wreck earlier. My mom was worried enough about me that she asked if I wanted to sleep with her and made me promise to wake her up before I ate.

The last thing I want to do right now is write or do tools or anything to do with recovery, but I know I need it. I am a very sick person when it comes to food. I have lied, stolen other people's food, and even cheated my way into getting the food I want in the past. I am scared that I wont be able to stay abstinent. All I have is a day at a time, and right now, I made it through day one. Hopefully tomorrow will get easier and the feelings I am having are related to detox from the flour and sugar. Sometimes its okay to feel weak, and sometimes you just need to sleep it off. I hope it works.

10,000 Steps Forward, One GIANT Step Back

Thin is not healthy. That is what they tell you in FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Annonymous), and let me tell you... ain't that the truth! I have been a food addict for as long as I can remember, and yet I still forget. I think I can handle this illness on my own. Maybe I can just take the bite and only have just one. Maybe I can have a meal and be satisfied without having cravings or food thoughts. Nope, not going to happen. I am always thinking about food. If I am not thinking about when my next meal is, I am thinking about what I am going to eat for the next week or what thing I can drink or chew on to settle the cravings. I am a full on, raging, scary, food addict.

Tonight I broke my abstinence.

"Abstinence from what?," you ask? Abstinence from the healthy eating plan that I have been living by for the past seven months. FA defines abstinence as weighed and measured meals with nothing in between, no flour, no sugar and the avoidance of any individual binge foods. This is the way in which I live. This is the lifestyle I choose. It is not forced upon me. I just know that it is my last option, because nothing else works for me. I have tried every diet known to mankind. For heavens sake... I had my stomach removed! Did that help? No. I stretched my stomach back out to a "normal" size stomach again and reversed the surgery.

You might be skeptical about my disease because it is hard for those who do not have the disease to see it. It is the same as an alcoholic or a drug addict. I can't help myself. I literally can hear the voice in my head talking and telling me not to eat, but I want to. I honestly have no control over my disease when it takes over. Food addiction is defined as “an illness of the mind, body, and spirit for which there is no cure.” I can control it with the help of my higher power and with program, but deep inside, it will never leave.

Deep within me there is a food disease dying to get out and kill me. This is not a joke. It really wants to kill me. I will eat everything and anything if given the chance. This disease caused fear, doubt, insecurity, and negativity to grow within me and take me away from the real world. I can't reach out to others when I am in the food. I want to, I really do. I want to call my sponsor or a fellow or my fiancé or ANYONE and talk about my feelings. But do I? No. The food addiction is stronger than I am. People tell me all the time how strong I am. I am not strong. I am weak. I try to pretend to be strong and be a role model to others but being a mascot is too much energy and drains my recovery.

I need to be of service to others. Finding a healthy way to do so is difficult because I am a people pleaser, but making calls and showing up are two of the ways in which I can give service. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others" (Gandhi). Not only do I need to be of more service, but I need to be more honest: with myself and with others. I am not the only one who noticed that I am not honest at times and hide when I need help or recovery. A professor wrote in a journal entry of mine,

"You might also think about how to pay attention to and ask for help on things that actually aren't going well, especially because you know this is a safe place to be vulnerable."

I need to be vulnerable and open up. I need to be honest about the amount of gum I am chewing. I need to be honest about the diet soda I drink. I need to be honest about my quiet time. I need to be honest about my phone calls. I need to be honest about my feelings. I am scared to open up and share with the world. It leaves me in an insecure place in which I can get hurt. Getting hurt sucks, but without opening up and giving of yourself, there will be no growth. You either grow or you go. Thats how it works.

Life Is Like A Bra... We All Could Use A Little Extra Support

I feel a little ramble-y, but here goes nothing...

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you had no one that believed in you? I know I have. It sometimes can be the worst feeling to believe that there is no one that is behind you and routing for you. In the past, I would get these feelings quite often. I would feel worthless and different and honestly, alone.

Support is the biggest part of any recovery system and is necessary to live a happy, healthy, lifestyle. I know who my support system is now. In the past, I convinced myself that I did not have that system of people I could rely on. I told myself that I wasn't important or good enough for them. Boy was I wrong. My family and friends tried to offer support and love, and I pushed it away. I was so hard headed that I did not want to accept it. I couldn't admit that I needed help. I truly believe I didn't know that I needed help.

Help is a funny thing. It is hard to distinguish when we need help and when we don't. I am still working on seeing where those lines fit, but I am learning to ask for more help each and every day. I have a hard time trusting others and leaning on them for support is one of the hardest things for me to do. I have so many negative past experiences with people not pulling through when they were needed that my views about support systems may have been skewed.

My wonderful fiancé and my mom are my number one supporters in everything I do. Sometimes I doubt them and feel that they do not support me as much as I need, but deep down I know they care. There are a vast number of people I could reach out to to be my support system, but the hardest part of having a support system is choosing the people.

I have members in FA, overweight friends from my childhood, "normal weight" friends from childhood, eating buddies and others who all support me in my weight loss. Sometimes I talk to them and other times it is just a small connection on a social media site.

It is hard sometimes to be an inspiration to others. I feel like people look up to me and I have to uphold a certain composure. Sometimes finding support is hard, but the truth is, when you support others, they will support you in return. “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” ― Rumi

Feeling Comfortable In My Own Body

I cannot remember a time in which I loved my body or felt comfortable in my own skin. I have always been overweight, and I have never had the body that other people had. I always felt bigger than others, and in most situations, I was. People look back on their lives and joke about how they thought they were fat or ugly, but the reality was that they were normal sized and cute. That is not the case with me. I actually was fat... not only was I fat, but I was morbidly obese.

In school, I was always bigger than my friends, but at some point, I also became larger than my teachers as well. I think that was somewhere in middle school. I couldn't help it, and I continued to keep eating and growing. At my heaviest, or any weight I was, I was okay with how I looked. I may not have liked it, but I was used to to my body and what it looked like. As I began to start losing weight, I noticed how broken my eyes truly were. I believe that I have body dismorphia, because I have an inability to see my body in the way it truly is.

Body dysmorphic disorder is a "chronic mental illness wherein the afflicted individual is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance."

Feeling comfortable in my own body is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I feel like a fraud most of the time, because I have so much excess skin hanging off my body. I saw a few times on Pinterest a picture that says, "Skinny people look good in clothes. Fit people look good naked." No matter how many compliments I receive from friends, family members, or others, I still feel fat and obese. I look in the mirror, and I still see myself when I weighed 310 pounds. I might be able to cover my body with clothes, but at the end of the day, it is only my body, me, and the magic mirror on the wall.

Luckily, I will be getting two skin removal surgeries over the next year. I am extremely nervous about them, but I know that it is something that will not only help me physically, but also mentally. The first surgery is happening December 27th, and that surgery is called a panniculectomy. In this surgery, the surgeons cut me below the belly button from hip to hip and remove the excess "skin apron" that is left over after extreme weight loss. It will look something like this.

I'm hoping that with removing the excess skin off my lower abdomen, the feeling of being obese will go away. Everyday, the excess skin is proof of the weight I was and how far I've come. Although it is a battle scar, I am very uncomfortable with it on my body, and it doesn't feel like the real me. After having the stomach skin removed, I will hopefully be having brachioplasty next year as well. I have so much extra skin hanging from my arms that I can pull it and tie it up if I want to. IT IS DISGUSTING. The surgery will remove the excess skin and hopefully allow my arm to be the size it is supposed to be.

I'm lucky enough to currently have Kaiser, who is willing to perform the panniculectomy for me. After January 1st, I will no longer have Kaiser, but a family friend will be doing my brachioplasty for me. I am both nervous and excited to finally be in a body that I feel comfortable with, and be able to look on the outside like the person I truly am on the inside.

Writing For Introspection

So as some of you know, I am in a twelve step program for my food addiction. I know, it might sound crazy that someone can be addicted to food... But let me tell you, it is 100% possible. I crave it. I love it. I love the smell. I love the taste. I love the feeling of eating. I love the physical reaction I get when I eat. I love food so much, that I have created bad habits around food.

I used to do a lot of things that I am ashamed of. I used to eat out of trash cans, and I was able to eat almost anything put in front of me. It was sickening. Luckily, I found FA, and I have been in this amazing program for almost five months.

Five months is a long time to make changes. I use to be on these crazy diets, because I wanted to lose weight quickly. I would tell myself that if I lose two pounds a week or three pounds a week then I would be to a certain goal at a certain time. It was crazy talking, and it would never work. It is nearly impossible to continuously lose 3 pounds a week for 150-200 pounds. It is just not possible.

Now that I am in FA, the weight does not matter as much to me. As of now, it is more about the sanity around food that this program brings to my life. I weigh and measure my life as I do with my food, and this has made my life a lot smoother. Although getting rid of the weight is not the best thing I have received from program, it has helped and continues to be a highlight for me. Here are my numbers.

Rachel S.

Height: 5'2"

Top Weight: 310 lbs

Starting FA Weight: 202.6 lbs

October Weigh In: 161.9 lbs

Total Weight Lost: 148.1 lbs

It took five months of truly beginning to do some soul searching to realize that I want to better myself. I want to be smarter. I want to achieve goals. I want to do things I don't think I can do. Twelve step programs emphasize the importance of writing, so I am going to push myself to update my blog regularly and continue to work on my novel. Hopefully, I will gain insight into my life and gain an understanding of the person that I want to be. Thanks for reading.

Hi. My Name Is Rachel, And I Am A Food Addict.

So it took me twenty two years, but I am finally able to admit it... I am a food addict. Now don't get me wrong, I also have other things going on in my head that add to my weight problems, but being a food addict is the number one factor to my obesity. How did I find out that I was a food addict? Well, with every "diet" or eating plan I had ever been on, I always ended up relapsing afterward. Now, when I say relapse, I don't mean eating a hamburger and fries for lunch one day. I am referring to eating ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING around me... and this happened Every. Single. Time. It wasn't just the relapsing that tipped me off, but it was also the secret eating. After a friend or family member left the room, I was eager to go to the fridge or cabinet and grab something to eat. I was not sure what to do or how to approach my problem, and after looking into Overeaters Anonymous, a friend introduced me to Food Addicts In Recovery Anonymous (FA). I acquired a pamphlet about FA, and this questionnaire was on the back.

Am I a Food Addict?

To find out, answer the following questions as honestly as you can.

Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?

Do you think about food or your weight constantly?

Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?

Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?

Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?

Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?

Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)?

Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?

Do you eat to escape from your feelings?

Do you eat when you're not hungry?

Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?

Do you eat in secret?

Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?

Have you ever stolen other people's food?

Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough"?

Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?

Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?

Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?

Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight"?

Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict. You are not alone. FA offers hope through a real solution to food addiction.

Quoted from the Food Addicts In Recovery Anonymous webpage

If I answered yes to ANY of the following? I ANSWERED YES TO ALL OF THEM!!!!! I knew I had a problem, and it was time to fix it. As with anything, I was skeptical, but I went to a meeting and tried it out. I was told that I should find a sponsor and buy a few books, a food scale, and a bathroom scale for the program. I eagerly went home and ordered the books off of amazon, and tried to find an online eating plan I found, THAT WAS TOTALLY WRONG from the real eating plan. Either way, I failed again. See? FA is just like any other plan... But wait! I was on my own, without a sponsor, without meetings, and I didn't even know what I was supposed to be doing.

I decided to really give it a try, and I went to meeting number two. This meeting was SO much better. Everyone was thin and gorgeous, and they all promised that with the program, I could look as great as they did. I was in! I found a sponsor, and began program last Sunday. We are told to focus on one day at a time and not to worry about any day but today. I eat three meals a day, with no snacks in between, and if I get hungry, I drink water, coffee, tea, etc. It was difficult to get started, because there is just so much to take in. Three meetings a week, weighing every meal, talking to a sponsor every day, special readings, etc? How could I do all of this in my hectic schedule?!?!

One Day At A Time.

Here are some pictures of my meals each day :]

As much as one day at a time is wonderful, my addiction to not my food, but my scale, was eating at me. (Haha get the pun?) I used to weigh myself multiple times a day. In the morning, after breakfast, after working out, at night with no clothes balancing on my tip toes, etc. I was obsessed. I wasn't able to see it, and I convinced myself that the scale was keeping me accountable. I came to learn that only I can keep myself accountable. FA only allows me to weigh myself once a month! Only once a month? That is literally at least 60 times less a month than I normally weigh myself. Nervous and anxious, I gave up the scale. Since I weigh in each month on the first, I only had to wait six days for a weigh in. This helped a bit, and I was able to make sure that the plan was "working". I worriedly stepped onto the scale this morning. FA was supposed to be the end all and be all of eating programs. If this didn't work, what would I do? I was told most people lose 10-15 pounds the first month, so I had expected to only have given away 2 or 3 pounds. I placed both feet flat on the scale and looked down. I was down 7.3 pounds in six days! It was a miracle.

I have already decided I'm not going to let any negative comments about my choice of program get to me. I will not listen to them, so don't bother telling me if you don't approve. I have abstained from bad eating habits for 7 full days, and I am damn proud of myself. If you have any positive feedback, I'd LOVE to hear it <3

Thanks for reading :]

Rachel

Failing Again

Today would have been day 16.

I caved on Friday. I felt horrible about it, but I did. The worst part about it is that it wasn't even something healthy, it was an egg salad sandwich... Well, an egg salad sandwich at first. Then came all of the other food I ended up eating. I really really caved. Even though my stomach was hurting, I still kept eating and I don't know why. I relapsed again. Even after I decided I was starting over and going to eat healthy, I caved. Over and over again. I ate anything and everything that was around for four full days. I felt guilty, and I still do. This is why I have not posted in a few days.

I decided that I am not starting my count over. Starting over means that I am doing another "day one," which is not healthy for my mental state of mind. I have a problem of how I view food. The relationship that I have with food is unhealthy. I have decided that I need to get a dietician and possibly start going to Overeaters Anonymous. Now that I have expressed that, its not as anonymous anymore, but oh well. I feel like my eating style is dangerous, and I need to work with the relationship that I have created with food.

Failing is something that is part of the process. I think myself up to fail. 60 days is a long time for a first real juice fast. Although I didn't make it, I lasted 12 DAYS! That is a long time to not consume food. I should be proud of myself and not be putting myself down so much. I decided to drink juice again and try to continue my fast. I gained some of the weight back over the past four days, but I have also decided that I will only be weighing myself once a week. I will also be posting my weight only once a week as well. That will be the hardest part for me. I am addicted to my scale. Understanding that self awareness is not easy. I am not comfortable eating healthy and not losing weight. Why eat a certain way if it does not benefit me, right? I know that this has been hard for me in the past, but I am trying to clear the skeletons out of my closet and force myself to be honest with myself and my readers.

Happiness Over Hunger

Today is day 12.

So I found out that the reason I wasn't losing weight was not only because of the sugar, but because I wasn't drinking enough water. I began yesterday and the day before to add more liquid into my day, and I am slowly moving downward again. I am back below 190, and my ego is not shot anymore.

I decided against joining a gym. I went to LA Fitness to try it out, and I just could not find a reason to spend $30-$40 a month for it. I mean I have a mini gym here at school so it just didn't make sense. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he was teaching me about interval training and how to make my time faster. I am excited to try it on Saturday.

I have been looking into colonics to help move everything through my system. After trying enemas and digestive enzymes, I feel that I still need to fully cleanse myself for my body to heal. You see, I have eaten so much junk in my life that I need to clear out my system completely to be healthy again. I am in search for a place, but I haven't been able to find one so far. Hopefully I will be able to find one soon. I will be geting my medical records this weekend from when I was younger to finally see my weight from when I was younger. I remember weighin at 230 at age 15 and in a size 24 at age 13 so I am excited to see the last time I weighed what I weigh today.

Today I feel sort of hungry because I'm sitting next to a lot of food at work today. I am having a lot of self control, which makes me happy, but I know I need to make some juice tonight to prepare for tomorrow. Hopefully I'll make it to day 60. Only 48 more days :]

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 120.3 pounds | 22 BMI

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 189.7 pounds | 34.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 6.7 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

When Life Gets You Down...

Get back up again! Today is day 10.

We all have those days. The day when you wake up and feel like crap, everything goes wrong, and you are just all over the place. And to top it all off... I gained weight this morning. WHAT??? I was so upset. I couldn't even imagine that not eating would not make me lose weight. I mean it was less than a pound, but still! I shouldn't be gaining weight. Why was I gaining weight? After sitting down and thinking about it, I figured it out. I drank a lot of fruit juice yesterday. I didn't even stop to think how many calories I was consuming. I consumed watermelon juice, strawberry juice, and tomato juice yesterday, and I didn't even work out. I was very lazy yesterday... To the point where I was in footie pajamas with a cup of warm tomato juice in my hand. It was a non-workout lazy type of day.

Last night, a friend and I were discussing which gym I should go to if I decided to go to one. I decided to try out LA Fitness with her today, and I ended waking up at 4:45AM. I was so excited for today. As each minute passed, my excitement faded. I lost my lock and key for the gym locker. My three day pass was changed to a one day pass. The jets in the jacuzzi were not working properly. I gained weight. It was not looking like a great morning for me.

Then, out of nowhere, my phone started buzzing out of control. Like. Like. Like. Add. Add. Comment. Post. Like. Add. Add. Comment. My Facebook was blowing up with excitement. After another friend of mine posted my information on his fitness page, over 11,000 people saw my story. They think I'm an inspiration. They want to know answers. They are so invested in me and helping themselves. It was all so overwhelming. I'm not the type of person who influences others, am I? As I began to think about it more, my self image began to heal a little bit. Maybe I can be an inspiration to others. After over 1,500 page views on my blog today, and more Facebook notifications than I could count, I decided to write a book. I got as far as a title page and table of contents. I'm not quite sure where it will go, but for now.. I'm happy about it. I like the idea of sharing my story. I have been through so much and I have a lot that connects with others.

Although my weight went up today slightly, I have never been happier. I feel great, and I am ready to share my story with the world.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 119.6 pounds | 22.9 BMI

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 190.4 pounds | 34.8 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 6 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Forget Finishing... Im getting FASTER!

Today is day 9.

Today, I struggle with working out. My cardio studio is moving closer to school, but this week is their transfer week so a lot of classes have been cancelled. I was supposed to work out last night and this morning, but I just could not bring myself to do it. I made a list of exercises I wanted to do yesterday, and I just did't push myself to do it. It is easier to have classes to attend to have someone make me workout rather than making myself do it. I need a workout buddy, and a schedule to workout and run.

I am going to run after class. I want to run either 3 or 4.5 miles. I need to get my running faster. This is my goal. I am signed up for a Bubble Run on May 25th, and I want my run to be around 40 minutes. I will push myself to up my time. The Bubble Run is only 3.125 miles so my 3 mile runs and my 4.5 mile runs will definitely help me plan for that. From now on, I am going to up my run time, not just complete it.

On a plus side, I'm down 120.3 pounds and below 190! Crazy, right? I'm pretty excited about it.

I hope you all are enjoying my blog. Please comment if you have any questions or just want to talk!

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 120.3 pounds | 23 BMI

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 189.7 pounds | 34.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 6.7 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Losing Lots Of Lard

Today is day 7.

So I have been going to cardio boot camp and yoga, but I want to add in my running training as well. I plan on running three miles this evening probably before dinner time. I want to start training again for my races. I am currently signed up for a Bubble Run, Disneyland 10K, and Disneyland Half Marathon. I am debating whether or not I should sign up for a real gym this summer to use the sauna, jacuzzi, and pool. The gym here at school doesn't have those. Water exercises are supposed to be great for your body, and it is always nice to cool off on a hot day. On the other hand, the gym at school is in the dormitories so it is closer and more convenient. There is a treadmill, an elliptical, a full set of weights, kettle balls and a lot more. I think I might stick with the school gym for now, and see if I can use the pool across the street this summer.

I almost freaked out this morning when I got on the scale. 190.5!!! That is half a pound away from not being in the 190's. I was above 200 last week. For those of you who haven't been following, here is my weight breakdown for the past week or so.

Saturday - 4/13 - 201.5

Sunday - 4/14 - 197.3

Monday - 4/15 - 196.4

Tuesday - 4/16 - 196.1

Wednesday - 4/17 - 195.1

Thursday - 4/18 - 194.6

Friday - 4/19 - 192.9

Saturday - 4/20 - 192.6

Sunday - Today - 190.5

From This...

To This.

This means that from the beginning of even adding juice to my diet and then full juicing, I have lost 11 pounds this week. That is ridiculous, and I love it. I am excited to keep juicing, and add more exercise into my life. I know I can get to my goal weight. I am going to push myself. The only issue that is in my way of getting to 135 is the excess skin I have. After losing 120 pounds, there is a LOT of skin hanging from my body. I have been trying to build muscle and use creams, but I am not sure what will work the best. Anyone have any ideas? Worst comes to worst, I'll get surgery, but I would rather not have to do that if I don't have to. We'll see. I have high hopes.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 119.5 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 190.5 pounds | 34.8 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 5.9 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Gigantic Goals

Day 6.

So many people are worried that I am only in this juice diet for the weight loss. Although losing weight is the biggest reason for me to be juicing, I also am doing it to reach my fitness goals. What are they, you ask? Well today's blog is dedicated to me writing down all of my fitness goals. I will get these done :]

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Crazy and Fun Runs

Camp Pendleton Mud Run 5K

Concrete Hero 5mi.

Bubble Run 5K

Drenched 5K

Elecric Run 5K

Empire State Run Up

Foam Fest 5K

Run For Your Lives 5K

Spartan Race 5K

Warrior Dash 5K

Tough Mudder

Muddy Buddy

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Disney Runs

Coast To Coast

Disneyland 10K

Disneyland Dumbo Double Dare

Disneyland Family Fun Run 5K

Disneyland Half Marathon

Disneyland Never Land Family Fun Run 5K

Walt Disney World 10K

Walt Disney World Dopey Challenge

Walt Disney World Expedition Everest Challenge

Walt Disney World Family Fun Run 5K

Walt Disney World Goofy's Race and a Half

Walt Disney World Half Marathon

Walt Disney World Happy Haunted 5K Trail Run

Walt Disney World Marathon

Walt Disney World Mickey's Jingle Jungle 5K

Walt Disney World Princess Half Marathon

Walt Disney World Royal Family 5K

Walt Disney World Tower of Terror 10-miler

Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon

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Life Goals

Cartwheel

Handstand

Hike Grand Canyon

Hike Half Dome in Yosemite

Love My Body

Monkey Bars

Pull Up

Run a mile in 11 minutes

Run a mile in 10 minutes

Run a mile in 9 minutes

Run a mile in 8 minutes

See My Six Pack

Walk The Distance Of The Great Wall

Wear A Bikini In Confidence

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Half Marathons

Hollywood Half Marathon

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Portland, Oregon

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Las Vegas, Nevada

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Los Angeles, California

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Seattle, Washington

Safari Park Half Marathon

New Years Race Half Marathon

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Marathons

Big Sur Marathon

Boston Marathon

Griffith Park Marathon

Los Angeles Marathon

New York Marathon

Nike Women's Marathon

San Francisco Marathon

Tel-Aviv Marathon

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Now I'm Just Crazy

100 mile race

California Classic (Half Marathon, 100 miles biking)

Double Marathon (52.4 miles)

Iron Man Triathalon (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and marathon)

Spartathalon

UCLA Triathalon

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Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 117.4 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 192.6 pounds | 35.2 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 3.8 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Teach Me How To Be Happy

Today is day 5.

I have always wanted to be happy. As someone suffering with manic depression/bipolar and being obese, it has always been hard for me to feel good inside. I might even argue that trying to make yourself happy is more difficult than losing weight, just maybe. Last night, I went to the Wellness Summit at American Jewish University, and I was introduced to my first motivational speaker during an event. Hal Elrod is a successful businessman who has a truly inspirational story. After being involved in a car accident, being pronounced dead, and told he would never walk again, Hal pushed forward. He learned not only to walk again but has run a double marathon! He also went into debt later in his life and began to experience major depression. I couldn't help but relate to Hal. His story of overcoming the impossible is the person I want to be. I need to overcome my emotional problems. I need to surpass my weight loss goals. I aim to be fit. I live to be healthy.

Hal believes in the idea of the Miracle Morning, where you wake up an extra hour early and meditate, read affirmations, exercise, write, read, and something else I can't remember right now. I bought his book last night, and I was going to try to wake up at 5am and do the miracle morning today. I did end up waking up at 5am, but I only got through some meditation and affirmations before falling back asleep. Josh (my fiancé) is visiting this weekend so I won't be doing the miracle morning this weekend. I am going to read up on it and try it starting on Tuesday. I did feel happy today, which I am not sure is dedicated to juicing or to doing part of the miracle morning.

I have been updating my weight loss with each blog. Although I can admit to myself that I am not completely happy with 3.5 pound loss in four days, I am happy with the fact that last Saturday, I weighed in at 201.5 and this morning I weighted in at 192.9. This means that I have lost 8.6 in six days. Now that's more like it. I know that this journey should be more about health than weight loss, but this juice feast is about pushing my weight loss. My goal is to weigh 135 pounds at the end of the feast. Some people think I am crazy, and others are worried about me. They shouldn't be. I am intaking enough calories, and I am drinking enough water that a normal person on a "diet" would be consuming.

Why 135 you may ask? Well the BMI chart looks like this:

Overweight = 136 pounds - 163 pounds

Normal Weight = 101 pounds - 135 pounds

Although the BMI chart is not the most accurate depiction of how much a person should weigh, 135 would put me in the "normal weight" category for the only time in my life that I can remember. Also, weighing 135 pounds would mean that I would weigh less than my fiancé and also be light enough for him to pick me up at our wedding. I am looking forward to that.

To end off this post, I am going to admit that it is so hard not to eat anything and everything. I really really want hot bbq tater tots and ranch dressing from the tater tot truck. I also really want mashed potatoes, chicken, and even salad. I am craving foods, but I keep remembering why I am doing this. I want to be healthy and live a long life. After I get down to my goal weight, I think I am going to start weight watchers to manage my weight and keep me down where I belong.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 117.1 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 192.9 pounds | 35.3 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 3.5 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

A Soft Spot For Food

So today was day three, and let me tell you… I almost broke. Who wouldn’t say yes to a FREE Corner Bakery sandwich? The smell was just so inviting, and it was hard for me to say no, but I did. I am kind of proud of myself. I have problems with controlling my hunger or what I eat so saying no is kind of a big deal. All I consumed today was juice and water. You would think it would get tiring after a while, but I have been feeling great so it hasn’t bothered me that much.

Someone asked me for a few recipes, so I can vouch for what I have tried so far.

Carrot juice, orange juice, apple juice, or any other type of simple one item juice is always always always yummy by itself. BUT if you’re looking for something more complex, here are some juices I have either tried or will be trying very soon :] YUM!

Apple Watermelon Lime Juice

Apples - Granny smith - 2

Lime - 1 whole

Watermelon – 2 thick slices

Carrot Infused Cabbage Delight

Cabbage ½ head medium

Carrots – 3 medium

Dr. Oz’s Green Drink

Apples – 2-granny smith, medium

Celery – 3 stalks, large

Cucumber – 1 cucumber

Ginger – ½ thumb

Lemon (with rind) – ½ fruit

Lime (with rind) – 1 fruit

Parsley – 1 bunch

Spinach – 2 cup

Fresh Start

Apples – 2 – medium granny smith

Carrots – 3 mediums

Celery – 4 stalks, large

Full Immunity

Apple – 1 medium granny smith

Carrots – 3 mediums

Garlic – 2 clove

Ginger – 1 thumb

Parsley – 1 handful

Ginger Paradise

Apple – 1 medium granny smith

Carrots – 4 mediums

Ginger – 1 thumb

Green Lemonade

Apples – 2 medium granny smith

Cucumber – 1 cucumber

Kale – 4 leaf

Lemon – 1 fruit

Spinach – 2 cup

Mean Green

Apples – 2 - medium granny smith

Celery – 4 stalks, large

Cucumber – 1 cucumber

Ginger – 1 thumb

Kale – 6 leaf

Lemon – ½ fruit

Original V-8 Recipe

Carrots – 2 large

Celery – 3 stalks, large

Cucumber – ½ cucumber

Parsley – 2 handfuls

Pepper (sweet green) – ½ medium

Spinach - 1 cup

Tomatoes – 3 mediums whole

Popeye Power

Apples – 2 medium granny smith

Cucumber – ½ cucumber

Lime – 1 fruit

Spinach – 5 cup

Sweet N’ Simple

Apples – 2 medium granny smith

Celery – 2 large stalks

Today has been super busy, and tomorrow is going to be hectic as well… but I will make sure to write a few longer posts this weekend. Keep reading and keep juicing :]

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 114.9 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 195.1 pounds | 35.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 1.3 pounds

To Run... Or Not To Run

Today is day two. This morning, I woke up at 5:30AM to juice and go work out. I know, I’m crazy. I decided today that I drank too much juice and water yesterday. When I calculated my intake, I realized that I consumed more calories than I expected and although I lost weight, it was minimal. Since two gallons a day seems like a little excessive for my intake, so now I am trying something different. I juiced 24 ounces of my green juice, two bottles of homemade V8 juice, and grapefruit juice as well. In the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead , it doesn’t say how much juice that the two gentlemen are drinking each day, but I am only going to drink when I am hungry. I don’t want to force myself to drink more than is necessary.

I have never liked to exercise.. I mean let's get real. Who likes to exercise, right? As the "fat kid" in school, I was unable to run a mile in Physical Education. I struggled to finish three laps around the track, and I always ended in tears with pain shooting through my legs and chest. I hated running. I hated jogging. I hated exercise. After my surgery, I began to jog to help with my weight loss. I found that I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment after completing a jog, and I pushed myself to complete a 12-minute mile (Which was great compared to my 16-20 minute mile in high school).

After I knew that running was possible, I signed up for my first official Disney race.. The Tinker Bell Half Marathon. I figured that would help me push myself to run and workout more, but it didn’t. I ran sometimes, but my motivation was not at the level I hoped it would be. After gaining more weight when I was traveling in Israel, I returned to the States with a week or so until the official date. Did I run during that week? Maybe once. I am not proud of my lack of training, but I am proud that I finished the race. I may have been one of the last people to cross the finish line, but I still finished. That was one of the best feelings in the entire world. After I finished the race, I signed up for two more races in hopes it would push me more

I am not a very motivated person when it comes to exercise. I hoped that signing up with My Asics running plan, I would train more for my races and get fit. So far, the running is not happening as much, BUT I signed up for a Cardio Boot Camp and Yoga studio, and I have been going 4-5 times a week for 45-minute classes. It is very fun, and it is more like a personal trainer than classes, because the studio is so small.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 113.9 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 196.1 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: .3 pounds

Jazzed About Juicing

Today is day one. Well, my current day one in a long line of day ones. We use this phrase in excess when talking about dieting. "I'm starting my diet again on Monday", "Today is the day I start the new me", and "Today I am starting diet X" are all common expressions that us "dieters" hear all. the. time. As someone who has been overweight obese my entire life, I am quite familiar with this way of speaking and how these terms affect me. Eating healthy needs to stop being seen as a part time fad or something we can start back up if we fail. It shouldn't be something we can fail at. We need to strive to be healthy and always working towards the goal of a healthier us. Being healthy should be a life choice, and something we enjoy doing.

In the past few months, I have moved away from calling myself someone on a diet. A diet is not a lifestyle change, it is a constriction on what you can eat and how much you can consume. Eating healthy is hard. Really hard. EXTREMELY hard. Who am I kidding? It could possibly be one of the hardest things in this universe! (Other than diamonds of course) Even within specific eating plans, you can always mess up or eat the wrong thing... And not all eating plans are healthy. Did you know that Oreos and Poptarts are vegan? If I only ate those two products and went around telling people I was vegan, something would be terribly wrong.

My eating habits have always been poor. I am addicted to food, and it is hard for me to eat healthy... but I try. I have been through every weight loss program you can think of. I tried Weight Watcher, Atkins, The Raw Food Diet, starving myself, and I even had weight loss surgery done! During my undergraduate career, I decided to get the gastric sleeve vasectomy surgery. Weighing in at 310 pounds at age 20, I knew I needed to do something about my weight or I was going to die. I'm not going to lie. Health was not my main concern in college. I wanted to lose weight so people would like me, and I would fit in with the people around me. I was sick and tired of being that fat girl.

After receiving the surgery and losing around 90 pounds, I hit a plateau and relapsed. I gained back 25-30 of my 90 lost pounds when I began graduate school and on a trip to Israel. When I came back from Israel, I knew something needed to change, but I didn't know what to do. After overhearing a debate about eating choices, I went raw. Not just raw, but vegan raw. Only fruits, vegetables, and nuts that are not cooked above 120 degrees. I enjoyed it, and it was helpful, but after almost three months and 35 pounds down, I began to relapse again. I told myself that I could have self control and work non-raw foods back into my meals. Boy, was I sure wrong. I had eggs, I had chicken, I had bagels, I had ice cream. My entire raw food plan went down the drain. I felt horrible about myself, and I gained back 6 pounds. I was not happy.

This weekend, I chose to start juicing. I was originally going to start the 60 day juice cleanse on Saturday, but my will power was not strong enough. After two days of juicing and preparing, I believe I am now emotionally ready for this challenge. Watching the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead helped me to realize that it will be hard, but I know I can do it. If I will it, I can achieve it. I need to put my health first, and focus on me, and everything else will fall into place.

Today is day one.