I caved on Friday. I felt horrible about it, but I did. The worst part about it is that it wasn't even something healthy, it was an egg salad sandwich... Well, an egg salad sandwich at first. Then came all of the other food I ended up eating. I really really caved. Even though my stomach was hurting, I still kept eating and I don't know why. I relapsed again. Even after I decided I was starting over and going to eat healthy, I caved. Over and over again. I ate anything and everything that was around for four full days. I felt guilty, and I still do. This is why I have not posted in a few days.
I decided that I am not starting my count over. Starting over means that I am doing another "day one," which is not healthy for my mental state of mind. I have a problem of how I view food. The relationship that I have with food is unhealthy. I have decided that I need to get a dietician and possibly start going to Overeaters Anonymous. Now that I have expressed that, its not as anonymous anymore, but oh well. I feel like my eating style is dangerous, and I need to work with the relationship that I have created with food.
Failing is something that is part of the process. I think myself up to fail. 60 days is a long time for a first real juice fast. Although I didn't make it, I lasted 12 DAYS! That is a long time to not consume food. I should be proud of myself and not be putting myself down so much. I decided to drink juice again and try to continue my fast. I gained some of the weight back over the past four days, but I have also decided that I will only be weighing myself once a week. I will also be posting my weight only once a week as well. That will be the hardest part for me. I am addicted to my scale. Understanding that self awareness is not easy. I am not comfortable eating healthy and not losing weight. Why eat a certain way if it does not benefit me, right? I know that this has been hard for me in the past, but I am trying to clear the skeletons out of my closet and force myself to be honest with myself and my readers.
you are a very very brave young lady!first of all the fact that you understand your relationship with food second your relationship with your life. People go through their whole life going up and down with food and never understanding why you're very very inspirational!
ReplyDeleteSplurging is OKAY and actually healthy for you. Since you are writing out how this made you feel, that's even better. Starting over or being frustrated with yourself for splurging should not be answer. EVER. This will only cause you to keep splurging, ironically. I wouldn't say juicing for 60 days is the best thing to do. Our bodies need to eat real solid foods to satisfy our hunger cravings. My motto still remains, the best diet includes you're favorite foods. Cutting your fave foods out will only cause you to eat more one day. I do have a friend who helps consult people with their healthy eating habits, if you're interested let me know.
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