Failing Again

Today would have been day 16.

I caved on Friday. I felt horrible about it, but I did. The worst part about it is that it wasn't even something healthy, it was an egg salad sandwich... Well, an egg salad sandwich at first. Then came all of the other food I ended up eating. I really really caved. Even though my stomach was hurting, I still kept eating and I don't know why. I relapsed again. Even after I decided I was starting over and going to eat healthy, I caved. Over and over again. I ate anything and everything that was around for four full days. I felt guilty, and I still do. This is why I have not posted in a few days.

I decided that I am not starting my count over. Starting over means that I am doing another "day one," which is not healthy for my mental state of mind. I have a problem of how I view food. The relationship that I have with food is unhealthy. I have decided that I need to get a dietician and possibly start going to Overeaters Anonymous. Now that I have expressed that, its not as anonymous anymore, but oh well. I feel like my eating style is dangerous, and I need to work with the relationship that I have created with food.

Failing is something that is part of the process. I think myself up to fail. 60 days is a long time for a first real juice fast. Although I didn't make it, I lasted 12 DAYS! That is a long time to not consume food. I should be proud of myself and not be putting myself down so much. I decided to drink juice again and try to continue my fast. I gained some of the weight back over the past four days, but I have also decided that I will only be weighing myself once a week. I will also be posting my weight only once a week as well. That will be the hardest part for me. I am addicted to my scale. Understanding that self awareness is not easy. I am not comfortable eating healthy and not losing weight. Why eat a certain way if it does not benefit me, right? I know that this has been hard for me in the past, but I am trying to clear the skeletons out of my closet and force myself to be honest with myself and my readers.

Happiness Over Hunger

Today is day 12.

So I found out that the reason I wasn't losing weight was not only because of the sugar, but because I wasn't drinking enough water. I began yesterday and the day before to add more liquid into my day, and I am slowly moving downward again. I am back below 190, and my ego is not shot anymore.

I decided against joining a gym. I went to LA Fitness to try it out, and I just could not find a reason to spend $30-$40 a month for it. I mean I have a mini gym here at school so it just didn't make sense. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he was teaching me about interval training and how to make my time faster. I am excited to try it on Saturday.

I have been looking into colonics to help move everything through my system. After trying enemas and digestive enzymes, I feel that I still need to fully cleanse myself for my body to heal. You see, I have eaten so much junk in my life that I need to clear out my system completely to be healthy again. I am in search for a place, but I haven't been able to find one so far. Hopefully I will be able to find one soon. I will be geting my medical records this weekend from when I was younger to finally see my weight from when I was younger. I remember weighin at 230 at age 15 and in a size 24 at age 13 so I am excited to see the last time I weighed what I weigh today.

Today I feel sort of hungry because I'm sitting next to a lot of food at work today. I am having a lot of self control, which makes me happy, but I know I need to make some juice tonight to prepare for tomorrow. Hopefully I'll make it to day 60. Only 48 more days :]

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 120.3 pounds | 22 BMI

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 189.7 pounds | 34.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 6.7 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

When Life Gets You Down...

Get back up again! Today is day 10.

We all have those days. The day when you wake up and feel like crap, everything goes wrong, and you are just all over the place. And to top it all off... I gained weight this morning. WHAT??? I was so upset. I couldn't even imagine that not eating would not make me lose weight. I mean it was less than a pound, but still! I shouldn't be gaining weight. Why was I gaining weight? After sitting down and thinking about it, I figured it out. I drank a lot of fruit juice yesterday. I didn't even stop to think how many calories I was consuming. I consumed watermelon juice, strawberry juice, and tomato juice yesterday, and I didn't even work out. I was very lazy yesterday... To the point where I was in footie pajamas with a cup of warm tomato juice in my hand. It was a non-workout lazy type of day.

Last night, a friend and I were discussing which gym I should go to if I decided to go to one. I decided to try out LA Fitness with her today, and I ended waking up at 4:45AM. I was so excited for today. As each minute passed, my excitement faded. I lost my lock and key for the gym locker. My three day pass was changed to a one day pass. The jets in the jacuzzi were not working properly. I gained weight. It was not looking like a great morning for me.

Then, out of nowhere, my phone started buzzing out of control. Like. Like. Like. Add. Add. Comment. Post. Like. Add. Add. Comment. My Facebook was blowing up with excitement. After another friend of mine posted my information on his fitness page, over 11,000 people saw my story. They think I'm an inspiration. They want to know answers. They are so invested in me and helping themselves. It was all so overwhelming. I'm not the type of person who influences others, am I? As I began to think about it more, my self image began to heal a little bit. Maybe I can be an inspiration to others. After over 1,500 page views on my blog today, and more Facebook notifications than I could count, I decided to write a book. I got as far as a title page and table of contents. I'm not quite sure where it will go, but for now.. I'm happy about it. I like the idea of sharing my story. I have been through so much and I have a lot that connects with others.

Although my weight went up today slightly, I have never been happier. I feel great, and I am ready to share my story with the world.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 119.6 pounds | 22.9 BMI

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 190.4 pounds | 34.8 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 6 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Forget Finishing... Im getting FASTER!

Today is day 9.

Today, I struggle with working out. My cardio studio is moving closer to school, but this week is their transfer week so a lot of classes have been cancelled. I was supposed to work out last night and this morning, but I just could not bring myself to do it. I made a list of exercises I wanted to do yesterday, and I just did't push myself to do it. It is easier to have classes to attend to have someone make me workout rather than making myself do it. I need a workout buddy, and a schedule to workout and run.

I am going to run after class. I want to run either 3 or 4.5 miles. I need to get my running faster. This is my goal. I am signed up for a Bubble Run on May 25th, and I want my run to be around 40 minutes. I will push myself to up my time. The Bubble Run is only 3.125 miles so my 3 mile runs and my 4.5 mile runs will definitely help me plan for that. From now on, I am going to up my run time, not just complete it.

On a plus side, I'm down 120.3 pounds and below 190! Crazy, right? I'm pretty excited about it.

I hope you all are enjoying my blog. Please comment if you have any questions or just want to talk!

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 120.3 pounds | 23 BMI

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 189.7 pounds | 34.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 6.7 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Losing Lots Of Lard

Today is day 7.

So I have been going to cardio boot camp and yoga, but I want to add in my running training as well. I plan on running three miles this evening probably before dinner time. I want to start training again for my races. I am currently signed up for a Bubble Run, Disneyland 10K, and Disneyland Half Marathon. I am debating whether or not I should sign up for a real gym this summer to use the sauna, jacuzzi, and pool. The gym here at school doesn't have those. Water exercises are supposed to be great for your body, and it is always nice to cool off on a hot day. On the other hand, the gym at school is in the dormitories so it is closer and more convenient. There is a treadmill, an elliptical, a full set of weights, kettle balls and a lot more. I think I might stick with the school gym for now, and see if I can use the pool across the street this summer.

I almost freaked out this morning when I got on the scale. 190.5!!! That is half a pound away from not being in the 190's. I was above 200 last week. For those of you who haven't been following, here is my weight breakdown for the past week or so.

Saturday - 4/13 - 201.5

Sunday - 4/14 - 197.3

Monday - 4/15 - 196.4

Tuesday - 4/16 - 196.1

Wednesday - 4/17 - 195.1

Thursday - 4/18 - 194.6

Friday - 4/19 - 192.9

Saturday - 4/20 - 192.6

Sunday - Today - 190.5

From This...

To This.

This means that from the beginning of even adding juice to my diet and then full juicing, I have lost 11 pounds this week. That is ridiculous, and I love it. I am excited to keep juicing, and add more exercise into my life. I know I can get to my goal weight. I am going to push myself. The only issue that is in my way of getting to 135 is the excess skin I have. After losing 120 pounds, there is a LOT of skin hanging from my body. I have been trying to build muscle and use creams, but I am not sure what will work the best. Anyone have any ideas? Worst comes to worst, I'll get surgery, but I would rather not have to do that if I don't have to. We'll see. I have high hopes.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 119.5 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 190.5 pounds | 34.8 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 5.9 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Gigantic Goals

Day 6.

So many people are worried that I am only in this juice diet for the weight loss. Although losing weight is the biggest reason for me to be juicing, I also am doing it to reach my fitness goals. What are they, you ask? Well today's blog is dedicated to me writing down all of my fitness goals. I will get these done :]

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Crazy and Fun Runs

Camp Pendleton Mud Run 5K

Concrete Hero 5mi.

Bubble Run 5K

Drenched 5K

Elecric Run 5K

Empire State Run Up

Foam Fest 5K

Run For Your Lives 5K

Spartan Race 5K

Warrior Dash 5K

Tough Mudder

Muddy Buddy

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Disney Runs

Coast To Coast

Disneyland 10K

Disneyland Dumbo Double Dare

Disneyland Family Fun Run 5K

Disneyland Half Marathon

Disneyland Never Land Family Fun Run 5K

Walt Disney World 10K

Walt Disney World Dopey Challenge

Walt Disney World Expedition Everest Challenge

Walt Disney World Family Fun Run 5K

Walt Disney World Goofy's Race and a Half

Walt Disney World Half Marathon

Walt Disney World Happy Haunted 5K Trail Run

Walt Disney World Marathon

Walt Disney World Mickey's Jingle Jungle 5K

Walt Disney World Princess Half Marathon

Walt Disney World Royal Family 5K

Walt Disney World Tower of Terror 10-miler

Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon

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Life Goals

Cartwheel

Handstand

Hike Grand Canyon

Hike Half Dome in Yosemite

Love My Body

Monkey Bars

Pull Up

Run a mile in 11 minutes

Run a mile in 10 minutes

Run a mile in 9 minutes

Run a mile in 8 minutes

See My Six Pack

Walk The Distance Of The Great Wall

Wear A Bikini In Confidence

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Half Marathons

Hollywood Half Marathon

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Portland, Oregon

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Las Vegas, Nevada

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Los Angeles, California

Rock & Roll Half Marathon - Seattle, Washington

Safari Park Half Marathon

New Years Race Half Marathon

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Marathons

Big Sur Marathon

Boston Marathon

Griffith Park Marathon

Los Angeles Marathon

New York Marathon

Nike Women's Marathon

San Francisco Marathon

Tel-Aviv Marathon

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Now I'm Just Crazy

100 mile race

California Classic (Half Marathon, 100 miles biking)

Double Marathon (52.4 miles)

Iron Man Triathalon (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and marathon)

Spartathalon

UCLA Triathalon

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Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 117.4 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 192.6 pounds | 35.2 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 3.8 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

Teach Me How To Be Happy

Today is day 5.

I have always wanted to be happy. As someone suffering with manic depression/bipolar and being obese, it has always been hard for me to feel good inside. I might even argue that trying to make yourself happy is more difficult than losing weight, just maybe. Last night, I went to the Wellness Summit at American Jewish University, and I was introduced to my first motivational speaker during an event. Hal Elrod is a successful businessman who has a truly inspirational story. After being involved in a car accident, being pronounced dead, and told he would never walk again, Hal pushed forward. He learned not only to walk again but has run a double marathon! He also went into debt later in his life and began to experience major depression. I couldn't help but relate to Hal. His story of overcoming the impossible is the person I want to be. I need to overcome my emotional problems. I need to surpass my weight loss goals. I aim to be fit. I live to be healthy.

Hal believes in the idea of the Miracle Morning, where you wake up an extra hour early and meditate, read affirmations, exercise, write, read, and something else I can't remember right now. I bought his book last night, and I was going to try to wake up at 5am and do the miracle morning today. I did end up waking up at 5am, but I only got through some meditation and affirmations before falling back asleep. Josh (my fiancé) is visiting this weekend so I won't be doing the miracle morning this weekend. I am going to read up on it and try it starting on Tuesday. I did feel happy today, which I am not sure is dedicated to juicing or to doing part of the miracle morning.

I have been updating my weight loss with each blog. Although I can admit to myself that I am not completely happy with 3.5 pound loss in four days, I am happy with the fact that last Saturday, I weighed in at 201.5 and this morning I weighted in at 192.9. This means that I have lost 8.6 in six days. Now that's more like it. I know that this journey should be more about health than weight loss, but this juice feast is about pushing my weight loss. My goal is to weigh 135 pounds at the end of the feast. Some people think I am crazy, and others are worried about me. They shouldn't be. I am intaking enough calories, and I am drinking enough water that a normal person on a "diet" would be consuming.

Why 135 you may ask? Well the BMI chart looks like this:

Overweight = 136 pounds - 163 pounds

Normal Weight = 101 pounds - 135 pounds

Although the BMI chart is not the most accurate depiction of how much a person should weigh, 135 would put me in the "normal weight" category for the only time in my life that I can remember. Also, weighing 135 pounds would mean that I would weigh less than my fiancé and also be light enough for him to pick me up at our wedding. I am looking forward to that.

To end off this post, I am going to admit that it is so hard not to eat anything and everything. I really really want hot bbq tater tots and ranch dressing from the tater tot truck. I also really want mashed potatoes, chicken, and even salad. I am craving foods, but I keep remembering why I am doing this. I want to be healthy and live a long life. After I get down to my goal weight, I think I am going to start weight watchers to manage my weight and keep me down where I belong.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 117.1 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 192.9 pounds | 35.3 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 3.5 pounds

Goal Weight: 135 pounds

A Soft Spot For Food

So today was day three, and let me tell you… I almost broke. Who wouldn’t say yes to a FREE Corner Bakery sandwich? The smell was just so inviting, and it was hard for me to say no, but I did. I am kind of proud of myself. I have problems with controlling my hunger or what I eat so saying no is kind of a big deal. All I consumed today was juice and water. You would think it would get tiring after a while, but I have been feeling great so it hasn’t bothered me that much.

Someone asked me for a few recipes, so I can vouch for what I have tried so far.

Carrot juice, orange juice, apple juice, or any other type of simple one item juice is always always always yummy by itself. BUT if you’re looking for something more complex, here are some juices I have either tried or will be trying very soon :] YUM!

Apple Watermelon Lime Juice

Apples - Granny smith - 2

Lime - 1 whole

Watermelon – 2 thick slices

Carrot Infused Cabbage Delight

Cabbage ½ head medium

Carrots – 3 medium

Dr. Oz’s Green Drink

Apples – 2-granny smith, medium

Celery – 3 stalks, large

Cucumber – 1 cucumber

Ginger – ½ thumb

Lemon (with rind) – ½ fruit

Lime (with rind) – 1 fruit

Parsley – 1 bunch

Spinach – 2 cup

Fresh Start

Apples – 2 – medium granny smith

Carrots – 3 mediums

Celery – 4 stalks, large

Full Immunity

Apple – 1 medium granny smith

Carrots – 3 mediums

Garlic – 2 clove

Ginger – 1 thumb

Parsley – 1 handful

Ginger Paradise

Apple – 1 medium granny smith

Carrots – 4 mediums

Ginger – 1 thumb

Green Lemonade

Apples – 2 medium granny smith

Cucumber – 1 cucumber

Kale – 4 leaf

Lemon – 1 fruit

Spinach – 2 cup

Mean Green

Apples – 2 - medium granny smith

Celery – 4 stalks, large

Cucumber – 1 cucumber

Ginger – 1 thumb

Kale – 6 leaf

Lemon – ½ fruit

Original V-8 Recipe

Carrots – 2 large

Celery – 3 stalks, large

Cucumber – ½ cucumber

Parsley – 2 handfuls

Pepper (sweet green) – ½ medium

Spinach - 1 cup

Tomatoes – 3 mediums whole

Popeye Power

Apples – 2 medium granny smith

Cucumber – ½ cucumber

Lime – 1 fruit

Spinach – 5 cup

Sweet N’ Simple

Apples – 2 medium granny smith

Celery – 2 large stalks

Today has been super busy, and tomorrow is going to be hectic as well… but I will make sure to write a few longer posts this weekend. Keep reading and keep juicing :]

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 114.9 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 195.1 pounds | 35.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: 1.3 pounds

To Run... Or Not To Run

Today is day two. This morning, I woke up at 5:30AM to juice and go work out. I know, I’m crazy. I decided today that I drank too much juice and water yesterday. When I calculated my intake, I realized that I consumed more calories than I expected and although I lost weight, it was minimal. Since two gallons a day seems like a little excessive for my intake, so now I am trying something different. I juiced 24 ounces of my green juice, two bottles of homemade V8 juice, and grapefruit juice as well. In the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead , it doesn’t say how much juice that the two gentlemen are drinking each day, but I am only going to drink when I am hungry. I don’t want to force myself to drink more than is necessary.

I have never liked to exercise.. I mean let's get real. Who likes to exercise, right? As the "fat kid" in school, I was unable to run a mile in Physical Education. I struggled to finish three laps around the track, and I always ended in tears with pain shooting through my legs and chest. I hated running. I hated jogging. I hated exercise. After my surgery, I began to jog to help with my weight loss. I found that I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment after completing a jog, and I pushed myself to complete a 12-minute mile (Which was great compared to my 16-20 minute mile in high school).

After I knew that running was possible, I signed up for my first official Disney race.. The Tinker Bell Half Marathon. I figured that would help me push myself to run and workout more, but it didn’t. I ran sometimes, but my motivation was not at the level I hoped it would be. After gaining more weight when I was traveling in Israel, I returned to the States with a week or so until the official date. Did I run during that week? Maybe once. I am not proud of my lack of training, but I am proud that I finished the race. I may have been one of the last people to cross the finish line, but I still finished. That was one of the best feelings in the entire world. After I finished the race, I signed up for two more races in hopes it would push me more

I am not a very motivated person when it comes to exercise. I hoped that signing up with My Asics running plan, I would train more for my races and get fit. So far, the running is not happening as much, BUT I signed up for a Cardio Boot Camp and Yoga studio, and I have been going 4-5 times a week for 45-minute classes. It is very fun, and it is more like a personal trainer than classes, because the studio is so small.

Original Starting Weight: 310 pounds | 56.7 BMI

Total Weight Lost: 113.9 pounds

Juicing Staring Weight: 196.4 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Current Weight: 196.1 pounds | 35.9 BMI

Total Weight Lost During Juicing: .3 pounds

Jazzed About Juicing

Today is day one. Well, my current day one in a long line of day ones. We use this phrase in excess when talking about dieting. "I'm starting my diet again on Monday", "Today is the day I start the new me", and "Today I am starting diet X" are all common expressions that us "dieters" hear all. the. time. As someone who has been overweight obese my entire life, I am quite familiar with this way of speaking and how these terms affect me. Eating healthy needs to stop being seen as a part time fad or something we can start back up if we fail. It shouldn't be something we can fail at. We need to strive to be healthy and always working towards the goal of a healthier us. Being healthy should be a life choice, and something we enjoy doing.

In the past few months, I have moved away from calling myself someone on a diet. A diet is not a lifestyle change, it is a constriction on what you can eat and how much you can consume. Eating healthy is hard. Really hard. EXTREMELY hard. Who am I kidding? It could possibly be one of the hardest things in this universe! (Other than diamonds of course) Even within specific eating plans, you can always mess up or eat the wrong thing... And not all eating plans are healthy. Did you know that Oreos and Poptarts are vegan? If I only ate those two products and went around telling people I was vegan, something would be terribly wrong.

My eating habits have always been poor. I am addicted to food, and it is hard for me to eat healthy... but I try. I have been through every weight loss program you can think of. I tried Weight Watcher, Atkins, The Raw Food Diet, starving myself, and I even had weight loss surgery done! During my undergraduate career, I decided to get the gastric sleeve vasectomy surgery. Weighing in at 310 pounds at age 20, I knew I needed to do something about my weight or I was going to die. I'm not going to lie. Health was not my main concern in college. I wanted to lose weight so people would like me, and I would fit in with the people around me. I was sick and tired of being that fat girl.

After receiving the surgery and losing around 90 pounds, I hit a plateau and relapsed. I gained back 25-30 of my 90 lost pounds when I began graduate school and on a trip to Israel. When I came back from Israel, I knew something needed to change, but I didn't know what to do. After overhearing a debate about eating choices, I went raw. Not just raw, but vegan raw. Only fruits, vegetables, and nuts that are not cooked above 120 degrees. I enjoyed it, and it was helpful, but after almost three months and 35 pounds down, I began to relapse again. I told myself that I could have self control and work non-raw foods back into my meals. Boy, was I sure wrong. I had eggs, I had chicken, I had bagels, I had ice cream. My entire raw food plan went down the drain. I felt horrible about myself, and I gained back 6 pounds. I was not happy.

This weekend, I chose to start juicing. I was originally going to start the 60 day juice cleanse on Saturday, but my will power was not strong enough. After two days of juicing and preparing, I believe I am now emotionally ready for this challenge. Watching the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead helped me to realize that it will be hard, but I know I can do it. If I will it, I can achieve it. I need to put my health first, and focus on me, and everything else will fall into place.

Today is day one.