Wanting To Eat

I am a food addict. No matter how hard I try or what I do, that will always be a fact. I will always have an addiction to flour, sugar, and quantities that sets me a part from other people. I know it seems crazy. You might wonder why I can't control myself, but it is the same as an alcohol or any other addiction. I don't know why I do it or why it has control over me, but it does.

These past few days have been hard on me, and I ended up having a binge. Today, I have been doing okay, but I really want to eat right now. I promised that I would write about it before eating, so this is my try. I still want to eat, even knowing the consequences. I know that I can gain all of the weight back. I know how I feel after I binge. I know how sad and upset I get and how worthless I feel. None of that helps.

I don't want to eat, but I do. That probably doesn't make sense, but it is what goes on in my head. I know it is wrong, but it is just something I have to deal with. I end up hiding it from others and "secret eating" to make sure that I am not judged or hated. This leads to even more self-hate and causing me to be more upset about it.

Right now, I am sitting on the couch and trying to not eat. I am trying to focus on the television and distract myself from food thoughts, but it is not working. I've tried doing the readings and I've tried to write. We'll see what happens, but right now my head is filled with food thoughts. One day, I hope that I don't have these thoughts and I am sane around food, but right now, that is not the case. Wish me luck. I will do another surgery update tomorrow!