Pizza and Cheesecake

I can't stop thinking about pizza and cheesecake. All I want is a thick crust filled with cheese and more cheese on top. I want to bite into it and just feel the warmth as I eat it. I want to then devour cheesecake, but the problem is, one is too many but never enough. I wouldn't stop at one piece of pizza. I would eat the entire pie and the entire cheesecake by myself. I could, and I would if given the chance. I have before. I've eaten whole cheesecakes before. I've eaten whole pizzas before. It's not normal, and it's not healthy. I wish I were normal. I wish I was able to have normal feelings around food. Why do I crave food so much? Why can I not stop thinking about food? I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could be normal and think about anything else. Well, let's just hope I make it the next three and a half hours without breaking. One day at a time is all I have, and it is all I can count on.

To boost my recovery, I went to Barnes & Noble today and bought 5 12-step books to help me out, but one of them backfired. There is a book I bought for compulsive overeaters, and in it, one of the women says that if you want to binge on something, have it but don't binge on it. This will help with the cravings, and you won't be depriving yourself of anything. That doesn't work for me. If I want to eat that cheesecake or pizza or cracker, it will never be just one. I can't control my eating no matter how hard I try.

I know all of this talk seems sort of crazy and not very recovery-ish, and I am sorry... but this is what goes through my mind sometimes, especially the past few days. I am currently on day four, and I pray to G-d that I will be on day five and be abstinent. I hope that going back to my own apartment and being home will help me be abstinent. I have been around un-abstinent food for two weeks so it has been harder for me than when I am at home. If it is G-d's will, I will be abstinent tonight and tomorrow and any other day that I stay abstinent.

I plan to start journalling today. A friend of mine helped guide me on how to work the 10th step in program. I will be writing four short paragraphs about FRAG, fear, resentment, amends, and gratitude. Hopefully this journalling will help me with my food addiction and with my recovery. I can't wait to get home and start going back to meetings on Sunday. I feel that the meetings really help keep me abstinent and help get me through the day. I still plan on going to at least 5 meetings next week, if not more. I need recovery, and I want to get better.